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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Potluck (Meal or Gathering) Deadline 7-26-12 @ 10 AM NY Time (07/19/12)

TITLE: Kurt Choked
By Ken Ebright


Most of the time the visitor’s potluck after church after the service at Gethsemane Church runs smoothly. Today was the exception to the rule.

Kurt had a plate full of food on his plate. A dark harried woman came and sat down across from him.

"Hi, my name is Mandy, can I ask you what you name is?"

"I'm Kurt," as he extended his hand.

Mandy shook his hand and sat down. "Good to meet you Kurt. I've been coming to this church for 10 years. I have never seen you before, is this your first time?"

Kurt bit into a piece of chicken. "Yes it is."

Mandy pick up some of the egg salad with her fork. "Welcome to our church, I know you'll like it. Everyone here is very close.”

Kurt spooned up some rice and ate it then his face turned red and he started to cough.

Mandy's eyes narrowed. “Kurt, are you Okay?”

"I…I'm choking." Kurt put his hand over his mouth as he stood up.

Mandy rushed over to him and gave him some back blows then started the Heimlich maneuver that worked and Kurt started to breath normally again.

Mandy moved to his side. "Kurt, are you feeling better?"

Breathing heavily "Yes… I am."

Mandy pulled out a chair for him. "Why don’t you sit down and have a glass of water."

He stepped over to the chair and sat down. A grey harried lady brought him a glass and he sipped on it.

Mandy smiled, “You're lucky, I just happen to be a nurse. We don't want to loose you.”

Several people walked up expressed their gratitude that he was okay. Then pastor strolled up "I am Dennis Rice, the pastor of this church. Were glad that you're okay. We hope that you’ll come back. We love you and want to get to know you. Is there anything we can pray with you about?"

Kurt put out his hand. "Thank you pastor, I'm doing fine. There have been so many people that have come up and expressed their concern. It's overwhelming for me. I can’t wait until next Sunday."

Pastor patted him on the back. "That's good news Praise the Lord."

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This article has been read 227 times
Member Comments
Member Date
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 07/26/12
I enjoyed your message behind this quaint little story. How true it is if we allow God, he can turn something of a disaster into a way to witness to others and to bring them into the fold.

Your story did have several errors and you really need a good proofreasder. Things like harried (which means upset or rushed) instead of haired and were instead of we're were just a couple of the errors in this piece. One of the things you need to work on to really grab the reader is important bits of information that gives the reader insight into the character. Things like hair color or taking a bite of chicken don't add to the character. Instead try putting in bits that help the reader feel like they know the character. Perhaps have Mandy flirt a bit with the MC by smiling and batting her eyes at him or have her lean over or scoot her chair closer to Kurt's. Things like that would help the reader connect with the MC and the other characters.

I did really like the ending. It's such a fine example of how churches should function but unfortunately many seem to have cliques and aren't eager to reach out to new members. You did do a nice job of putting a different spin on the topic. I liked the idea of having him choke but having God use it as a way to get others involved and interested into this new member. Good job.
Dannie Hawley 07/27/12
You had a great story idea here. So important that we notice new folks in our midst in order to make them feel welcome. Guess Curt found one advantage to choking; it got him the attention he should have been offered. Good reminder for all of us. You might want to cut some of the words that are giving the same meaning. For example: visitor’s potluck after church after the service... You can cut out "after church" and just leave after the service at... A little passed this place, you can just say that he had a full plate or he had a lot of food on his plate... no need to repeat "on his plate". Again, good message!
C D Swanson 07/27/12
I loved message your story brought to the reader. I thoroughly enjoyed it from start to finish. Thank you.
God bless~
Laura Manley07/29/12
You had an excellent idea in having this young boy choke at the potluck; however, I do think you should have expanded on both - the boy choking and the potluck - since you only utilized probably half of the words allowed. Keep on writing... you have wonderful ideas; just learn to expand on those ideas.