The Official Writing Challenge
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I enjoyed your message behind this quaint little story. How true it is if we allow God, he can turn something of a disaster into a way to witness to others and to bring them into the fold.

Your story did have several errors and you really need a good proofreasder. Things like harried (which means upset or rushed) instead of haired and were instead of we're were just a couple of the errors in this piece. One of the things you need to work on to really grab the reader is important bits of information that gives the reader insight into the character. Things like hair color or taking a bite of chicken don't add to the character. Instead try putting in bits that help the reader feel like they know the character. Perhaps have Mandy flirt a bit with the MC by smiling and batting her eyes at him or have her lean over or scoot her chair closer to Kurt's. Things like that would help the reader connect with the MC and the other characters.

I did really like the ending. It's such a fine example of how churches should function but unfortunately many seem to have cliques and aren't eager to reach out to new members. You did do a nice job of putting a different spin on the topic. I liked the idea of having him choke but having God use it as a way to get others involved and interested into this new member. Good job.
07/27/12
You had a great story idea here. So important that we notice new folks in our midst in order to make them feel welcome. Guess Curt found one advantage to choking; it got him the attention he should have been offered. Good reminder for all of us. You might want to cut some of the words that are giving the same meaning. For example: visitor’s potluck after church after the service... You can cut out "after church" and just leave after the service at... A little passed this place, you can just say that he had a full plate or he had a lot of food on his plate... no need to repeat "on his plate". Again, good message!
07/27/12
I loved message your story brought to the reader. I thoroughly enjoyed it from start to finish. Thank you.
God bless~
07/29/12
You had an excellent idea in having this young boy choke at the potluck; however, I do think you should have expanded on both - the boy choking and the potluck - since you only utilized probably half of the words allowed. Keep on writing... you have wonderful ideas; just learn to expand on those ideas.