The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Very cute. I liked the ending and the way you layed it all out made me want to keep reading.
The suspenseful writing was very inviting and creative. I really enjoyed this story!
Compelling read and a wonderful story to boot. I loved it. Nice job with this entire piece. And you were completely on topic.

Thank you. God bless~
This reader was right there with you all the way from when your MC first lit the gas stove to the end when the daughter was so delighted about what your MC had prepared. I love to cook on gas stoves, although I don't have one myself and this showed the element of a little nervousness when your MC first lit the stove. This was written in such a way that you kept your audience throughout. Nicely done!
Wow. Suspense so nicely done. I didn't dare stop reading because you made me want to know what was going to happen next and what it was that the MC was cooking.
Thank you.
You did a great job with this story. I loved how you built up the tension. You had my mind jumping from an intruder to maybe a child making a surprise for Mommy even to the point when I wondered if the MC was an animal -- a very smart and dexterous animal. :)

The red ink I offer is little -- in the paragraph about the window, I think you'd be surprised at the number of times you used that word. My advice for that also applies to my second bit or fed ink -- check the number of times you started a sentence with the word I. The solution is to mix up the sentence structures and combine a couple of sentences into one. For example this -I turned around in time to see the curtain flutter around the window. Someone had left the window open. can be structured like this - Spinning around, the curtain fluttering from the open window spooked me as the flame on the range sputtered.

Overall, though I think you did a fabulous job of telling a thrilling story about a mundane task such as making lunch. The effort and care to keep the mission secret by the MC showed how much she loved the little girl and enjoyed making ordinary tasks into adventures. This is a creative and fun take on the topic.
Great had me all the way! Grreat writing, I love it!
Congrats! God Bless~
Congratulations for placing 1st in your level and 17th overall!