The Official Writing Challenge
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Date
07/20/12
A gut wrenching story. I hope it's not a true one in your experience. I know many children start their morning that way, though, and you did a good job of describing the child's frustration. The action scene was well described as well.

Be careful about using all caps. One of the great things about the Challenge is learning to cut unnecessary words since we have 750 words to make an impact. "Thinking, inwardly" - 'inwardly' is a give when someone is thinking.

Nicely done:)
07/20/12
Wow - this was an amazing story of repentence and God's hands moving in mysterious ways. He did "a shaking" within that home and got the reaction He needed. Well-written, and a powerful climax. Great job.

God bless~
This is an awesome story and lesson. You did a spectacular job of building on the conflicts in the story. I found myself think No don't pour water on it! That's a good sign of good writing when you can pull me into the story like that.

You need a tad of polishing the narritive part of the story. I can see you are working on doing more showing than telling. Just be careful that the sentences are complete ones. For example this -- as he continued to rock her back and forth. can be turned into a complete one just by getting rid of the as and capitalizing He. Another example that could use some smoothing is he thought inwardly you don't need to add the inwardly as most thoughts are to one's self. If he spoke his thoughts out loud then it would make sense to say He thought aloud. But better still, instead of using the taglines like he thought or exclaimed John use those spots to show what the MC is feeling or doing. You have a good start in the beginning, you just need to change the exclaimed John, to John gently shook her back and forth.

You really have an intense and powerful story here. The lesson in it is superb. Telling it from the POV of the child is also a great way to reach the hearts of adults you may see themselves in this story. You were on topic though making breakfast may not be original, having the fire and the mom struggling against alcohol makes it unique and fresh. It's a sign of talent when you can turn something ordinary into a suspense-filled story. This is a great read.