The Official Writing Challenge
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Date
07/12/12
A romantic picnic at sea, complete with a proposal. Watch for things like "it's there (their) way of playing". Keep writing:)
This is a lovely love story. You did a nice job adding the little romantic details. I can't imagine what it would be like to see porpoises and whales swimming next to me but you make it seem divine.

You had a few typos like site instead of sight and smile's instead of smiles. A good proofreader would help you catch those little things.

The ending brought the story full-circle. I'm sure many women would be smitten by such a proposal. You did a nice job of writing on topic. I like the idea of a picnic on a yacht oh sigh! :)
07/12/12
A sweet romantic story with a lot of detail to draw the reader in.

Be careful of your tenses. You switched back and forth from present tense to past tense several times.

If I were writing this, I would have put the words in the invitation in italics. If you don't know how to submit for the challenge with italics it's easy to do a google search for using html code.

I notice you use "Jim" and "Leann" a lot. Try mixing it up more with he and she, or more descriptive words like "the beautiful brunette".

You used a lot of adverbs, particularly -ly words. Adverbs are typically "telling" kind of words, where as you could get the same point across by "showing" more and making your writing more interesting. Instead of "telling" us she is happy by saying, "Happily, she accepted", you could show us by her body language. "She accepts the glass with a grin."

When it was first suggested to me to eliminate "most" of my adverbs, I didn't really get it. But the more I have done that, finding other ways to say things, I have seen how it improves my writing.

Finally, just as you use Jim and Leann a lot, you also used them both at the beginning of a lot of sentences. Try varying your sentence openers with verbs and other types of words. Instead of "Jim reaches for her hand" consider "Reaching for her hand, Jim anxiously directs her . . . "

You have a lovely story here with a sweet ending. I like that you didn't specify what exactly she was looking at. It isn't needed. Good job and definitely keep writing!
07/13/12
A perfectly delightful read. I loved the part of about the dolphins. I love this exquisitely kind and docile creatures.

This entire piece was entertaining and kept my interest. Good job.

God Bless~