The Official Writing Challenge
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Member
Date
07/12/12
I like this alot. well written and enjoyable. you might want to double space your paragraphs, to make it easier to read. other than that, it was great!!
07/13/12
You packed so much into this entry. I really enjoyed it so much, nicely done. Great job.

God Bless~
This is a fun and light-hearted story. I enjoyed reading it and was eager to keep reading even though I suspected what was coming.

The one thing I might suggest to make this story even better is to work on what plaques every writer and that is to do more showing and less telling. You had some parts that were great and helped me see the story in my mind. But if you look at the first paragraph you use the word was a lot which is a passive verb. just by switching it up a bit like this will help the readers see the picture. For example this sentence There was a cool breeze blowing which also kept the flies and mosquitoes away. can be tweaked just a tad like this -- A cool breeze blew in and whisked the mosquitoes and flies away. I didn't change much but replaced an active verb for the passive was.

You have some delightful descriptions later on. I loved the vision of the aunt covered in picnic food. I also think it was quite a bit of clever tongue in cheek humor to have the aunt replace the ant. I enjoyed it and chuckled at the irony.

You did a great job of intriguing the reader to want to know more about the jumping fish and did a great job at the end of bringing the story to full circle. One other thing to double check is make sure you start a new paragraph each time someone different speaks.

All in all you nailed the topic and told a nice humorous story that was a fresh take on the topic. Thanks for the delightful read. :)
07/15/12
Cute story! I particularly enjoyed the sentence about uncovering the the two water melon-pickle juice-potato salad-covered couple! (However, just realized the word "two" should be eliminated since the sentence ends with "couple".

A few words of critique. You don't need to include the title within the story. It's entered separately when you submit the story.

The first five sentences of your story start with the words "the" or "there". Try mixing up sentence openers. Try throwing a verb in there, an adjective, etc. Keep it varied.

You definitely need a space between paragraphs. I didn't even realize there WERE any paragraphs at first. Always preview your submission before hitting the "can't take it back" SUBMIT ENTRY button.

I agree the story was basically a "telling" story. Do a google search on "showing versus telling". This can be difficult to grasp at first, but makes a big difference in a good story versus a great or exceptional story.

You did a lot of great description of detail, which lead to a humorous ending. Keep writing!
You have some ability and it shows. If you want to continue writing you might find it helpful to join a peer group. Some of my harshest critics have given me the most help.

You have something to say. I hope you keep going.