The Official Writing Challenge
This article has been read 485 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
07/12/12
This was a very well written story. It was short and to the point...no fluff here! I thought it was well thought out and flowed nicely. Made me think back to the days I was raising my two children and how I sometimes forgot to just enjoy them and not always be so busy. Thanks for sharing!
07/12/12
I was too busy trying to be a good mother and work at the same time. I tried too hard. It shouldnt be work. I guess that's why God Invented grand children...I really enjoy them the way I should have enjoyed my son. God Bless you and this is a wonderful piece!
07/12/12
I was too busy trying to be a good mother and work at the same time. I tried too hard. It shouldnt be work. I guess that's why God Invented grand children...I really enjoy them the way I should have enjoyed my son. God Bless you and this is a wonderful piece!
07/12/12
I was too busy trying to be a good mother and work at the same time. I tried too hard. It shouldnt be work. I guess that's why God Invented grand children...I really enjoy them the way I should have enjoyed my son. God Bless you and this is a wonderful piece!
07/12/12
I was too busy trying to be a good mother and work at the same time. I tried too hard. It shouldnt be work. I guess that's why God Invented grand children...I really enjoy them the way I should have enjoyed my son. God Bless you and this is a wonderful piece!
07/12/12
I was too busy trying to be a good mother and work at the same time. I tried too hard. It shouldnt be work. I guess that's why God Invented grand children...I really enjoy them the way I should have enjoyed my son. God Bless you and this is a wonderful piece!
07/12/12
I was too busy trying to be a good mother and work at the same time. I tried too hard. It shouldnt be work. I guess that's why God Invented grand children...I really enjoy them the way I should have enjoyed my son. God Bless you and this is a wonderful piece!
07/12/12
I was too busy trying to be a good mother and work at the same time. I tried too hard. It shouldnt be work. I guess that's why God Invented grand children...I really enjoy them the way I should have enjoyed my son. God Bless you and this is a wonderful piece!
07/12/12
I was too busy trying to be a good mother and work at the same time. I tried too hard. It shouldnt be work. I guess that's why God Invented grand children...I really enjoy them the way I should have enjoyed my son. God Bless you and this is a wonderful piece!
07/12/12
I was too busy trying to be a good mother and work at the same time. I tried too hard. It shouldnt be work. I guess that's why God Invented grand children...I really enjoy them the way I should have enjoyed my son. God Bless you and this is a wonderful piece!
07/12/12
I was too busy trying to be a good mother and work at the same time. I tried too hard. It shouldnt be work. I guess that's why God Invented grand children...I really enjoy them the way I should have enjoyed my son. God Bless you and this is a wonderful piece!
07/12/12
I was too busy trying to be a good mother and work at the same time. I tried too hard. It shouldnt be work. I guess that's why God Invented grand children...I really enjoy them the way I should have enjoyed my son. God Bless you and this is a wonderful piece!
07/12/12
Just beautiful! Very well written.
07/13/12
What an insightful take on the topic! It was not only well-crafted, but the message was powerful.
Great job!
07/13/12
This was a thought provoking and heart wrenching read. It held a significant meaning in a subtle, yet powerful way. Nicely done.

God bless~
Oh I love this story. i think you did an outstanding job with it. the beginning drew me in immediately as my mind whirred with the possibilities.

My heart felt sad as I read and realized most readers would have caught on to what was happening below the window, yet the MC was so absorbed in work that she was totally oblivious. I think this is a clever way to illustrate your message.

You've done a fantastic job with this story and I can think of only a couple of things that might make it even better. For example instead of saying her assistant said with concern, show the reader what that might look like. For example perhaps her eyebrows arched or her lips turned down with a slight frown or maybe she purses her lips a tad and then quickly casts her eyes downward. Showing not telling is something every writer struggles to find the perfect balance.

This is just a tiny thing and strictly a personal preference but I found the ellipses slightly distracting. Perhaps just one or two would be more powerful and be more effective than having several..

All in all you did a brilliant job with this story. The ending was fantastic and a message so many of us need to be reminded of. You handled the topic in a clever way while still delivering an important message. This is one of my favorites so far this week. Outstanding bit of writing.
07/14/12
How true!Why do we all have to wait until its to late to realize this? Great Job, If I were a judge, it would win a prize!
07/16/12
What a beautiful, heartwrenching and powerful story this is. It brought tears to my eyes. It is so true. A lot of us are so busy, sometimes too busy to spend quality time with our loved ones. It is fortunate that this mother made the effort to spend time with her daughter because she ended up losing her. That tree will always remind her of the wonderful times they spent together, just enjoying each other. This story drives home the message of how important it is that we put our families before our jobs and the other things that occupy so much of our time.
07/16/12
Very well written. Definitely a fresh take on the topic with a great message.

I understand what Shann is suggesting about showing what the caller was doing, however, in this case it does not work. The point of view (POV) is coming from the narrator. She can't see what the caller is doing, so therefore, it cannot be described as Shann suggests. However, you CAN show, not tell, and make the sentence much stronger, by simply saying, "her assistant's voice revealed concern". The narrator can hear the concern in her voice, while she can't see her eyebrows raise.

Do be careful about using phrases like "she said", "she replied". Faith Writer judges prefer simply stating the action of the speaker, which again, gives us more showing, as well as draws the reader into the action going on.

You did a wonderful job. I'm sure this will place well.
Jennifer is absolutely right about my comment if the assistant was on the phone talking to the MC. In my mind, I saw them in the same office and the assistant was informing the MC of an important call.(I thought the phone ringing was the school calling and the assistant answering it and then relaying the message)

While this is a trivial thing and really doesn't matter to the story, I did want to point out how Jennifer and I both had two very different images in our heads which makes showing details for the reader all the more important.

So in that case, I'd suggest changing the sentence to something like this - The assistant's voice squeaked as she stumbled through her words while relaying the message.

Another thing I thought of as I reread the story and comments was -- Is the assistant nervous because she is afraid to interrupt her boss' busy schedule or is the concern in her voice for the child? This demonstrates how different people can take different messages from the same story. In my opinion that shows the Holy Spirit is right in the midst of it all and is using your story in different ways depending on what the reader may need at that second. How wonderful to be such an incredible instrument to God's people!

However that part is just one little detail. What matters most is you wrote the story God laid on your heart and it is vital to be obedient. I have no doubt that this story will touch more lives than you can even begin to imagine. You have a fabulous talent.
07/18/12
I thank you for sharing such a meaningful message, through a captivating story...
Wing His Words!
07/19/12
Congratulations! God bless~
07/19/12
Congratulations on your deserved 1st place win! Off to Intermediate you go. ;)

(By the way, in rereading the section about the assistant and the phone call, I can see how Shann saw it differently. In retrospect, I'm really not sure which of us saw it the way you intended. Something to think about for all of us as we "think" others are seeing what we are seeing. Hmmmm!)
07/19/12
Congratulations! You earned it.

Wing His Words!
Congratulations for ranking 1st in your level and 18th overall!
09/03/12
Congratulations, Jenna. This was well deserved.