The Official Writing Challenge
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Date
06/17/12
I'm learning more and more that the title of anything, be it book, story, or whatever, is veery important. I chose to read your story because of the title. Then, I did read your story and I loved it. In fact, I had almost written a story very similar to this.
Grandmas seem to have just the right touch in the lives of their grandchildren. I would suggest that in light of some of your sentences being lengthy that you use elipses (...) or semi-colons to break up the sentences. Other than that, I thought your story read very smoothly and it was right on target.
This is a lovely story. Grandma sounds like a very wise woman. Oh how often the young have to learn the hard way. I can think of so many times in my life that would have been easier if I had just listened to the wise women in my life.

The only red ink I have for you is to be careful about POV shifts. Sometimes we could see grandma's thoughts and then it would shift to inside of Jocelyn's head and back again. This is something I've just started tackling myself. I'd always thought if I wrote in third person the narrator could see into every character's head. It's something I still have to work hard at.

You did a great job of covering the topic. You grabbed my attention and then in the end you did a splendid job of coming full circle. Your message is one we all need to be reminded of regardless of our age, at least from time to time. Good job.
I try not to read the other comments so I'm not influenced. So after I read it, I went back and looked at your sentences. For the most part they were just fine. The third paragraph was a long sentence that could be broken down into 2 or 3. Later there might have been one or two that could have been made into two sentences. But ellipses are used to indicate words that are missing or a thought trailing off and I didn't see any spot where they would really fit. Because I was reading it closer the second time I did notice that Grandma when used as a name should be capitalized but if it has a the or my in front of it then lowercase. I also noticed a quote you used should have ended with a comma because you used the tagline my Grandma said. (That grandma should have been lowercase) Also in the prayer the Amen was outside the quote and should have been inside. These are all nitpicky details but are things that a good challenge buddy or critique group would help you find and fix them.If you see someone on the message boards or feel a connection with someone, don't hesitate to ask if they would proof your story. That's how we get better. The cool thing about FW is people really do want to help each other become the best writers possible. The first time I read your story, I was so engrossed in it that I didn't pick up on these little details. That means you have a knack for storytelling. I did truly enjoy it and think you have a natural talent that just needs some nurturing. Keep writing you have some good stories in there waiting to be shared with the world. :)
06/20/12
Awwww. I loved this so much! What a touching and lovely story. The message about accepting Jesus into your heart, and the love betweent he MC and the her beloved grandmother was priceless. It made me cry. I felt I was walking with the MC through her grandmother's home, and felt the memories they shared.

Simply beautiful! Great entry. Wonderful story. Powerful message.

Thank you. God bless~