The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
The individual pieces that make up this work are valuable and thought out but it seems a bit stark when one section ends and another begins. Rearranging the paragraphs within may improve the flow for the reader.
I really enjoyed this little expose` of the heart. It was a fascinating read and you made some excellent points.

The only thing I would suggest to make it even better is to do more showing and less telling. Instead of telling us that Mark doesn't feel good describe what you noticed. He grabbed his stomach and groaned. or perhaps. Mark shook his arm and massaged his shoulders while we were arguing. Things like that paint a picture for the reader and helps establish a relationship..

I think you did a fantastic job of finding perfect scripture to back up your points. Just make sure when you use them to reference them and tell which translation you used. You can do that as a footnote and it doesn't increase your word count. I especially liked how you brought the story full-circle. The beginning was a great pull to make me want to keep reading and the ending left me satisfied and I had a sense of peace.
I simply love stories with Bible references sprinkled throughout. I feel it enhances the story and brings home a strong message to be implemented in society today. Great job, and so well written.

Thank you. God Bless~
Congratulations for ranking 6th in level one!