The Official Writing Challenge
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06/15/12
Wow! This is full of passion, compassion and downright makes this reader think! I enjoyed your descriptions which showed me your feelings, instead of telling me. I think a lot of people can relate to this piece. There are a couple areas of improvement; one, be sure you proofread as I found a couple sentences where I knew what you meant, but you had either left out a word or a word was there that didn't make sense. The other thing is that when speaking of God as "he," we should always show reverence and capitalize the "H." Besides those couple of things, I think you presenting this very well and it gave this reader pause to think about her own life. Very good!
06/15/12
Oops, speaking of proofreading; I should practice what I preach re my last sentence! :-)
This is a though-provoking piece. In the beginning I was saying yep. uh huh, yeah do that too. I could so relate to that horrible what-if game I play in my head. What if Mom hadn't died so young? What-if I hadn't caught this debilitating illness, what if I smother my husband's snores so I can get some sleep (Just a joke I never once let that thought enter my head:))

I have a few little bits of red ink. Make sure you add which translation of the Bible you quote. Also an ellipses should always be three dots ,,, unless it is to show a thought that continues but it is the end of the sentence and then it's three dots and a period ,,, , (The experts argue if there should be spaces between them, as long as you are consistent it doesn't matter. I also noticed you said you literally beat yourself up over mistakes. I'm not sure if you do truly punch yourself or perhaps use cutting as a means of punishment but I would clarify it. Maybe you meant I beat myself up emotionally by reliving each mistake and looking into the mirror and shout, "Loser!" By writing it like that you show the reader instead of tell and that's more powerful. Even if you did mean it literally I think something like I look in the mirror and hate who I see there as I raise my fist and slam it into the side3 of my face as a punishment that I believe is well-deserved. There are people who do do that and it would be a great way to connect with the reader in which ever way you truly meant it. By showing us, you leave no doubts.

I loved how brave you were to share such intimate thoughts with the reader. It drew me in immediately as my heart hurt in remembrance of going through several different situations like the one you described. The verses you selected are a perfect match.
I always try not to read the other comments before I read the story. I respectfully disagree about capitalizing He when used with God. That is a matter of style choice. as long as you are consistent, it doesn't matter. I did notice you capitalized Anger and I didn't say anything because I thought you were trying to personify it but it should be lower-case or made more as a person with more descriptions. I still think you did an awesome job. :)
06/20/12
Nicely done. Great job with this lovely piece. I enjoyed the entire entry and the strong message that is conveyed. Thank you.

God bless~