The Official Writing Challenge
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Member
Date
05/31/12
Wow - This was so powerful it gave me goosebumps! Great job with this piece. I loved it...beautifully written. And, I especially loved Jesus with his outstretched arms forgiving His child. That touched my heart! Thanks. God Bless~
This is quite intriguing. I sensed it would be a dream or a vision. I believe it may have been more of a vision.

You had a few little things that need some fixing. For example I wish I could meet someone soon who (not that) Another tiny thing is you repeat the same words in the paragraph. try to find new ways to say the same thing.(path is a word you used quite often) The biggest thing is try to show instead of tell. This is difficult for many to fully grasp. Try to avoid passive words like was, have is, etc. For example the phrase sadness was about them -- what does that look like. Did their heads hang low, or their shoulders hunched? What does it look and feel like to be engulfed with sadness?

Even though I gave quite a bit of red ink feedback, there are so many wonderful things to take notice of as well. You do an amazing job of luring the reader down that lonely path. Your message is so clear. There is no doubt that your MC will likely now given a second chance, shout of Jesus' love and forgiveness throughout the land. I have no doubt that this story will make a huge difference in many lives.