The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
05/24/12
Beautifully done, and beautifully written. I enjoyed this so much...thank you. Great message.

God Bless~
This is a wonderful telling of John and his journey to true peace. So many people look for all the wrong things to fill the void in their hearts. You packed quite a bit of information in this limited word count.

You may want to consider doing more showing and less telling. It will help you connect with the reader. You use a lot of passive words like was. If you substitute them for great action words, you'll see your story begin to take on a life of its own. For example: Instead of telling us that John was interested in how his co-worker was happy show us with something like this: John furrowed his eyebrows as he watched his co-worker finesse a customer who threw a temper tantrum. However, George kept smiling through the entire tirade. "Boy," John mused, "I'd be wringing her neck if she talked to me like that. I wonder what his secret is." Even though it's more words it shows the reader quite a bit about John's personality. In a short story with a word limit, it's more important for the reader to know the MC's emotions than his hair and eye color.

With that said, don't take my comments too hard. Showing, not telling is something every writer works on and keeps improving during every story. So you aren't alone.

You do have a natural gift of showing God's love through your words and that's super important. You did a great job of taking a fresh take of the topic. Your message is one everyone should hear, even those who have Jesus in our lives need reminding from time to time.

Keep writing because God has great plans to use your words to touch many hearts and that's the most important thing of all -- to follow where Jesus leads.