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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Risk (05/17/12)
You've ripped out my heart,
You slashed me up and down,
Showing off how you hurt me,
This show and tell is going around.

You told me you liked me,
You said "you're the one",
You slapped me with lies,
I am becoming undone.

My anger runs in my veins,
the hurt seeps from my eyes,
The sting only grows deeper
I despise you and your lies.

"Leave him be", said Mr. Brain
My heart thumped, "it's okay",
"I told you so", I was slapped,
This is show and tell of my dismay.

I fell into a pile of pieces,
Broken and shattered,
Because of your actions,
I've been hurt and battered.

I cried with my friend,
She had to fix your mess,
You ran away from this,
The show and tell is a success.

I hate myself for risking it,
I believed you and your lies,
You think you're innocent,
I will overcome and arise.

You have to live with it,
God will deal with you,
I am going to move on,
I will break through.
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This article has been read 842 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 
05/25/12
This poem touched me deeply. My heart ached for the MC. I wanted to reach through space and hug her. Dating is a huge risk and can be super painful However if we never risk the pain we will never experience the joy of true love. Great writing on this heart-wrenching piece.
C D Swanson 
05/25/12
Pentrating and powerful laments. The MC's pain was resounding throughout the entire piece. Nicely done. My heart goes out to the MC...God heals all.

Thanks for this.

God bless~
Amy Michelle Wiley 
05/25/12
The pacing and rhythm of this are awesome. Well done. The message is sad, but so true to many people's experiences and I'm glad the MC is determined to survive it and be stronger for it.
Dannie Hawley 
05/26/12
I'll let those who know something about poetry review the mechanics of this piece but I can say I found it awesomely intense. You have the ability to put us in your MC's skin so we can feel what the MC is feeling. Thanks for your transparency in writing this poem. Well done.
Allison Egley 
05/26/12
I like this!

The rhythm felt a bit off in places, but that may just be me.

Nice job with this. I could really feel the MC's pain.
Graham Insley
05/27/12
You said you wanted brutal honesty, so...

I really liked this sharing of pain that ends with hope and a promise of healing.

I'm not qualified at all to speak about the technical side of poetry, but I know what I enjoy and what reads well for me. I liked this and it read well.

Sorry about the brutal honesty.

Thank you.
Phyllis Inniss 
05/27/12
This is a fantastic poem even though it depicts the pain the writer felt. But the Biblical principle is seen at the end "Revenge is mine, I will repay", says the Lord.
Leah Nichols 
05/28/12
Very real and raw emotion here. It's very easy to connect with the MC and her feelings; I think we all can understand the pain of breakup.

Technically the poetry could use a consistent meter. You have the rhyme down, but the meter varies, even within stanzas. It helps to read it aloud to test the cadence.

Also watch your passive verbs:
"You slapped me with lies,
I am becoming undone."
The first line is active, gripping. The "am becoming" is much weaker language, though "undone" is itself a strong word. Pair it with a more active verb.

You did very well for not having written for so long. I am very glad you submitted. Thank you for sharing your powerful writing.
Mildred Sheldon
05/28/12
This was a powerful poem of pain and how the MC dealt with it. Thank you for sharing and God bless.
lynn gipson 
05/29/12
I feel the MC's pain here deeply. Well written and so heart breaking to read. God Bless