The Official Writing Challenge
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Date
05/18/12
This was a different take on the topic, very different. It was clever, fresh and totally unexpected. It shows that life sometimes can take an unexpected turn. And, that all stories do not have a happy ending.

I liked that the two of them prayed for the young man, irrespective of what had happened. No bitterness, just a serene acceptance.

Good job! I really liked this entire piece.

God Bless~
This is a great story. I was intrigued immediately because my daughter is getting married in a few months.

One thing you want to try and do is keep the POV to just one character. The reader should be able to see into Kate's mind and know what she is thinking but not both characters. This is a hard idea to wrap my head around because I always felt if the story was told in 3rd person than the narrator could see that Kate was talkative and her mother a more introvert. However, I've been told by experienced authors that unless it's a novel where the chapters might be from one character's POV and the next from a different, then it's important to only see into one character's mind. You can use words to describe what the other character is doing or what she might look like if she is angry but not actually tell the reader what is going on in her head or what her personality is like..

I hope that helps a bit describe what I'm trying to say. The story itself was a delightful read. My heart just broke for the MC. For one thing what kind of a man breaks up over the phone? That was a perfect touch. I liked how once she got over her hurt she was able to pray for him. You did a wonderful job of presenting the topic in a fresh and interesting way.
05/21/12
I thought this was a good story. Strong character development from both the mom and Kate and excellent dialogue (one of the hardest things to write).

There are a few things that others have already covered you can work on (I agree that 750 words is not enough time to cover two POVs), but you have talent for characters and dialogue and that goes a long ways in my book.

Good job!
05/21/12
Great job with this. Loved the story line.

A few others have already pointed out POV. One thing I'd recommended is trying to get rid of dialogue "tags" like "she said" or "he said." For example, “I think you’re right, mom,” Kate said as she earmarked the “find.” could be changed to Katie earmaked the find. "I think you're right." It's clear who's talking, so you don't need to say "Kate said." Also, if you DO use tags, keep the traditional order. "said Kate" just sounds a bit odd. It's not how we talk, and it just feels a bit unnatural. I hope that wasn't too much "red ink." :)

As I said, I loved the story itself. Seems like this could be expanded a bit.
05/21/12
Well, you had me on the edge of my seat the whole way through! I 'ditto' what everyone else has said; not just the red ink, but the applause for a wonderful story. Great job.
05/22/12
Good story, I'm not sure i could have prayed for him just yet...but then im still a work in progress. thanks for this i enjoyed it.
05/22/12
What sort of a preacher would this guy make? Break up over the phone indeed.

I love it when the story comes alive and you want to kiss or thump one of the characters. proves you told a good story.

750 words doesn't allow full development, so my next comment may not apply with more words.

I found the jump from shattered tears to an insight of the real man to be too quick. If he was like that I'd see her starting to have some questions herself and some hints of this could have helped.

But a great story. Thank you.