The Official Writing Challenge
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05/18/12
Awwww...this was so adorable, and so fun to read. I smiled, at the situation with the ketchup!
Hahahahahahahaha. Great imagery, and wonderful descriptive words.

Loved how the mom summed up what truly is important in life...and what "fame" really is. Nicely done.

Thanks for the smiles.

God Bless~
This is such a sweet story. Oh how brothers can torment their siblings! You did a great job of building the conflict until it came to a satisfying end.

There's just a few little things. Try not to repeat major words in the same paragraph. For example, in your first sentence, by tweaking it just a bit, you can avoid repeating any form of sleep and if you take out the very it packs more punch. something like this--
While sleeping peacefully one morning, a gut-wrenching scream jolted me to my feet.
I just switched it around some and added a comma and a hyphen.

Then a bit later you went from past tense to present and back again.

I couldn't help giggling at the scene you painted so vividly with your words. The fact that it is a true story made it super sweet. Nice job.
05/21/12
Tehehe this is great.

My only suggestion would be to include some more dialogue. For example, I would have loved to have heard the conversation between you and the "suspect." No, you don't remember exactly what was said, but this is there you get to take a bit of "creative license" as an author. Don't just tell us that your interrogation put the FBI to shame... show us. :)

I loved this. It reminded me of my own "Nearly Decapitated Baby Grow" story...
05/22/12
I love this story. Slice of life tales like this always make me smile, and this one is delightful. Great job in the beginning of building suspense, and then switching to humor. Your characters are great, but I agree that dialogue would be a better way to show us more.

Great job!
05/22/12
This was priceless. I remember my older brother playing these kinds of pranks on me. I really like this. great job.
05/22/12
A great 'real life' story that I loved as I went through fear into humor. I enjoyed every bit if it. But two things:

The hook at the beginning would have been much stronger with the 'jolted to my feet' as already suggested. Sleep once, but don't just wake up, jump in fear.

A little closer proof reading would have revealed a more; the change in tenses as mentioned before and the correction needed in this sentence, 'Finally he was returned to the land living stuffed animals.'

I loved the point of a mum's fame. What mum wouldn't be grateful for this truth?

Thank you.
05/22/12
Well, aside from some minor points of editing, I wouldn't change a thing. I just love your storytelling ability in your writing! You are beyond "Beginner" level in my book and I can see an audience of young and old listening with mouths open to catch every word.

You sure know how to grab a reader with your opening "hook." And, you keep the suspense going as you develop the plot and introduce more characters. The build up to the "moral of the story" is well done and makes your point (and the challenge topic) fit! Congratulations on a job well done!
Poor Bobo! I love the way you built the suspense and kept the humor at the same time. It's obvious you are "famous" to your boys!
05/24/12
Congratulations! Nicely done. God Bless~
Congratulations! I'm super happy for you!
05/24/12
Congratulations on a well deserved win! I loved the way you told the story. Well done!
05/24/12
CONGRATULATIONS CYNTHIA!