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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Weary (05/03/12)

TITLE: A Fragmented Mind
By Cynthia Dawson


A Fragmented Mind

It was a warm summer day, Susan set in her chair on the porch with a soft breeze floating across her skin, pondering one of her favorite verses from the Bible. Isaiah 40:31 ďBut those who wait on the Lord will find new strength. They will fly high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.Ē
Memories of long ago gripped her heart. They rolled through her mind like the ripples in a wheat field on a windy day. Oh, how often she would sit at that window and day dream of working in her garden. The feel of the soft earth in her hands as she prepared the ground. Planting her flower bulbs and waiting for them to break through and make their tiny appearance known. Sometimes the flowers would come up so fast it reminded her of a ground squirrel popping out of his home in the ground. One minute there was nothing and the next there was.

How Susan longed to walk among the flowers, to lean down and smell their sweet fragrance. The aroma of summer mixed with pure beauty was overwhelming. To be out in the garden picking fresh vegetables or wondering through the strawberry patch and enjoying the liquid sunshine that enveloped her mouth when she ate one of the bright red berries.

She could never understand how some considered the care of a garden to be troublesome work. It refreshed her so to go and take care of the seedlings. To pamper and water them, to provide support when they were in need or removing the weeds that threaten to steal the water and nutrients her precious plants needed to grow and mature.

Then her memories flowed to the evening hours she would spend in the gardens. To listen to the choir of birds and insects as they sang their symphony of love to one another. Butterflies flittering from flower to flower, taking a moment here and there to stop and sip the abundance of nectar available there. Hummingbirds speeding around like the gardens as if it were their own version of the Indy 500. Darting back and forth, chasing one another and stopping for a brief moment to get a drink, their wings moving so fast that the naked eye couldnít see them individually.

It had been three years since Susanís accident. Three years since she has been able to fully enjoy the beauty of this world God has given so freely to her. Susan was weary from watching and wishing for a change in her situation, the thoughts and memories wore her out and exhausted her mind and body. The memories were all she had left, she didnít have the strength to get up and move about. She had no strength left in her broken body to do the things she longed to do. Her mind so focused on what she couldnít do that it was drained and only useful for dragging her through her memories of the past. How she longed to find different ways to enjoy her garden, different ways to be a part of Godís miracles and beauty.

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Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 05/10/12
You have so many beautiful descriptions in this piece. It's quite lovely.

In the beginning you used set instead of sat. You may want to try more showing than telling. I know it would be difficult in this because the MC is remembering. Perhaps show her trying to struggle to do something she once did. There were several parts where you did paint a beautiful picture for me, though so perhaps my first feeling is off.

I suffer from chronic pain and I know a simple task like getting dressed can leave me shaking violently, gasping for air, and sweating so much I look like I just stepped out of the shower. many people will be able to relate to this lovely story.
C D Swanson 05/12/12
Thank you for sharing this poignant story with us. This descriptive piece along with the emotions of the MC were compelling and touching.

It touched my heart and it will many others. Thank you again.

God bless,

Lillian Rhoades 05/14/12
Great title! Weariness does that. :-)

This may seem like a minor point, but I would consider using "sat in her chair on the porch while..." The breeze wasn't sitting WITH her. "Planting her flowers..." is not a complete sentence (fragment). A better rewrite: ...as she prepared the groung, planted her flower bulbs, and waited for them to...

"One minute there was nothing, and the next minute there was..." What?

Darting back and forth...(sentence fragment).I would change from "since she has been able..." to "since she had been..."

An opinion: In structuring the article, I would have put the second paragraph just before the last paragraph.

Despite grammar issues, you have written a piece with many wonderful descriptive phrases. I could sense the weariness of mind your MC felt.
Ada Nett05/14/12
There were some very good descriptive phrases in your writing. I think this piece shows a lot of potential in your ability to write. Keep up the good work.
Glynis Becker05/15/12
You've set a beautiful scene here. I love that although your MC is weary, she's not ready to be out the game just yet. I want her to find her place and to praise God is a new way.

The others have given you some great feedback. I'll just say "Keep writing and sharing!"
lynn gipson 05/15/12
One of my very favorite verses and you captured it so beautifully. I love this. If this was a book I couldnt put it down.
Graham Insley05/15/12
Very descriptive writing; as has already been mentioned. You paint great pictures.

My only negative would be that some sentences are just too long and cumbersome. For example:

"To pamper and water them, to provide support when they were in need or removing the weeds that threaten to steal the water and nutrients her precious plants needed to grow and mature.

This could perhaps expand to two sentences and become richer with a little extra.

But again, you paint really good with a pen.
Laura Manley05/16/12
I honestly expected to see that this was a true story. I especially love your descriptive way of writing. It gives so much "show" and little to be left told. Excellent entry!
Cynthia Dawson05/16/12
It is based off of my life. I should have used my own name, don't really know why I didn't.