The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
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Date
05/03/12
Nice descriptive piece. I felt so bad for the MC and wanted to place my arms around her and the little MC at the end. Two powerful characters in this lovely entertaining and meaningful entry.

Thank you.

God bless~~
05/03/12
Extremely well-written entry which I enjoyed thoroughly. It had just enough mystery to keep me reading. I like the way you ended the story as well. Excellent writing!
05/04/12
My involvement built as I read and at the end I wanted more. That reflects how good your story 'showing' ability was.

Perhaps a small comment I might make is that some words, small ones, could have been chosen to make it all read smoother. For instance, in paragraph three the old lady didn't create 'one more seat', there are still the same number of seats, she created an 'empty seat'. Like I said, minor but perhaps an improvement.

I loved this and felt it was right in topic.
05/06/12
This is a sweet and powerful story. I so enjoyed the characters and could picture them both easily.

Try more showing and less telling. For example instead of stating that the jam was home made because of the packaging, describe the packaging. For example The girl sold her jam in mismatched jars of different sizes and colors. Also make sure you start a new paragraph each time a new speaker speaks.

Overall, this story touched my heart. There's a lot of truth in that last line. You did a great job with this story.
05/06/12
great story...really like it alot...
05/08/12
I will never look at jam the same way. Great story.
05/14/12
Congratulations for ranking 10th in level one!