The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
05/03/12
THis was such a beautiful story with a strong and powerful message.

I loved how God showed the MC how blessed he was, and showed him how important it was to be thankful through everything in our lives.

Nicely done. Thanks.

God Bless~
05/03/12
I love the message of your entry. We are as blessed as we want to be in life; sometimes we just need to look for those blessings or have someone reveal them to us. This is a fast-moving story with lots of feeling and thought in it. blessings...
05/05/12
A good story with good insight.

There is one 'where' in the first paragraph that should be 'were'. I felt some sentences could have been worded a little better; but the story flowed and made its point well.

Good job.
This is a lovely story. I live in a very rural area and homeless people aren't something you would see here. However we have families living below the poverty level. Your story reinforced how no matter where we live, we can reach out and help others. Every year when we fill our freezer with meat, we make a point of giving some to a needy family. Your story reminded me that we can serve Jesus no matter what the circumstances.

I have a bit of red ink to hopefully give you some insight and to help your good stories become better. First you need to do more showing than telling. It's something every writer struggles with. One way to do this is to have more dialog. Instead of just saying the man was a homeless vet have him tell the MC. Also in your dialog use contractions because that is generally how most people speak. we'll instead of we will. Make sure you start a new paragraph with each speaker and double space between paragraphs.

Your story was on topic and had a wonderful message behind it. Keep writing for only you can tell the stories that God lays on your heart.