The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
05/03/12
Nice story,and well written...I especiallyloved the ending and the powerful conclusion. Rich are we indeed who are one with Christ.

Thanks for this.

God Bless~
This is a clever idea. I think it was quite original to show the story behind the story, so to speak. The way the MC searched for the definition of rich is the perfect analogy. You were able to tackle the topic in more than just one dimension.

Some of the lines hung me up. A good thing to do is ask someone else to read your story aloud. If they stumble on any sentence, you might want to consider rearranging it some. Also a good proofreader will help you catch little things like quotation and tag lines. If after a quote, you added she said then you need a comma in the quote and the tag line in lowercase. For example "I'm going to lunch," she said. Another way t6o show your readers instead of tell is describe what the MC is doing when talking. It still let's the reader know who is speaking and it paints a picture like this --"I'm going to lunch." She rubbed her stomach. Notice how this time there was a period at the end of the quote and the next line was capitalized because it is a complete sentence on its own.

You did a nice job writing on topic. Though several people have written about the same general message you presented it in a fun and different way. The ending was great and left me with a feel good feeling. You also had a nice beginning and created the conflict early on which also draws the reader into the story. Nice job overall!