I am trying to run from a problem that I know I have to face and God, in His inimitable way, keeps slapping me in the face with it. Doesnít He realise I want to ignore it for awhile? If I leave it alone it might resolve itself or at least become less overwhelming. God and I obviously have a different opinion on this issue. I think God should let me get away with ignoring it for a little longer; He thinks I should deal with it now. But Iím getting ahead of myself here; you donít even know what Iím talking about.
First let me say that to open up and be totally honest is a little scary, and Iím afraid Iíll look like a bit of a fool. But I think the confession will be part of the healing. And I also believe that honest sharing of struggles is a key part of our faith. As Christians we are on a journey to expose our carnal mindsets and bring about the victory of transformation. When that happens we have a testimony to share. But before the testimony of victory comes the battle. And Christians tend to gloss over that part and deny it. But Iím still avoiding my issue, arenít I?
For many years I have felt God calling me into a full time ministry. I have always run away from this for many different reasons. I canít begin to share with you all of those reasons, some of which are still not even understood by me, but one or two of them are pretty obvious and probably common to most of us. They are best reflected by a series of questions.
Will people accept a sinner like me? Who do I think I am to believe I can help others when my own life has been such a mess? Iím just a common old hacker on a typewriter, why would people bother to read what I write? How will I ever survive financially in full time ministry? Who will pay my bills? What happens when I canít pay the rent? And, of course, all of this leads to the big one.
Whereís my faith?
I think that last question is being asked by God; and really this question is the sum of all the questions and the one most needing to be answered. And donít you really hate it when He isnít prepared to let it go unanswered. As I said at the beginning, He is firmly getting my attention and bringing the issue to me in several different ways.
Lately, my finances have fallen into a big hole. A cyclone helped destroy my business and I now have to find a new way to support myself. Iím not destitute, but nor am I wealthy and able to just sit back. So God has my attention about my future. But I still end up asking questions like, ďSo what do you want me to do, Lord?Ē
I started to play with the thought of writing and joined an online group called ĎFaith Writersí. This group has a weekly challenge where writers are asked to put in an article on a specific subject each week. This is my third week attempting to meet this challenge and it has not been easy. But even here, God is speaking loudly to me.
My first subject was ĎHolidayí. It is easy after years of hard work, when it all suddenly comes to an end, to think. ďOh well, Iíll take a break for awhile.Ē But I am not on holiday and I need to prepare for what God is calling me to next.
The second subject was ĎThree Fold Cordí. A very firm reminder that I do not now do what I want to do, which would probably be something very lazy, but I must step into what God wants and bind myself to His business, done His way and through His provision. But then comes the final, big subject.
ĎDonít Look Backí. That challenges all the questions with one simple directive. As Luke 9:62 makes clear, once the hand is put on the plough there remains only one direction; forward.
You donít need faith for a walk in the park, but we must push on in faith, with no regrets or backward glances, to enter into His calling for our lives.
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