The Official Writing Challenge
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Date
04/26/12
This was so touching and poignant, it made my heart smile and my eyes fill at once.

God is amazing He gives and takes away...but through it all, He always will prevail in bringing us new treasures.

Your little "treasure" is God's gift to you and your family. Although you lost your daughter (my condolences) He gave you your little beautiful doll, to go forward in joy.

I am sure your daughter is smiling from heaven at what a wonderful job you are doing raising her baby girl.

I loved this touching story, thank you for sharing this.

God Bless you abundantly~

04/26/12
What a wonderful illustration of what it means to move forward when your heavy heart wants to look back. Good writing and great message.
This is so sweet. I have tears brimming over. I fell in love with the little one. I was anxious to keep on reading.
You have some errors in the first sentence, by changing it just a tad, you tighten it up and prevent it from being a run-on. I'd write it something like this --
"Mommy, how long til we get to the ho-ly-tell?" I looked in the rear-view mirror to see Julia Belle, squirming in her car seat, her little bow lips wreathed in chocolate chip cookie crumbs. Julia Belle, the prettiest little four-year-old in a trillion miles batted her eyelashes.

Note I deleted a spare comma and put dashes to draw out hotel. Then I deleted the and and started a new sentence. Next a hyphen in rear-view. A period instead of semi-colon in rear-view. Then I put hyphens between the age. Either way is acceptable, but having the hyphen cuts down on word count. Then to make the Julia sentence a complete one, I added batted her eye-lashes. Just those little changes tighten up the sentences, turning into 3 smaller sentences and added some parts to show the reader what the girls are doing.

This may seem like a lot of red ink for such a tiny problem but I wanted to show you what I meant. Especially in short stories it's good to have shorter paragraphs and lines.

The ending is spectacular. You brought me full circle and I had tears in my eyes for sadness for kids who don't have there mother in their lives and tears of joy that people like your MC is real and a blessing for the lost forgotten little ones. But Jesus never forgets them. That message rang true loud and clear.
04/30/12
Thank you for a poignant story. I really enjoyed the trip. As a beginner myself, I appreciate the comments from others that help. Keep writing.