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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Appointment (02/09/12)

TITLE: House for Sale
By Louis Detweiler
02/15/12


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House for Sale

“You’ve been working all morning,” lamented Shirley.

“The Thompsons are away until tomorrow. When they return from vacation they will have a clean house. I’ve spent all morning cleaning their house from top to bottom. Now, I’ve got to let the wax on the kitchen floor dry before I can finish,” said Jamey.

“As the Thompson’s next door neighbor, I demand you take a break and come over for lunch,” said Shirley.

“No argument from me. Thank you,” smiled Jamey.

Robert Footmore, a real estate agent, had an appointment to sell the home at 4704 Darby Lane. He had wanted to sell the house for the past two months. Finally, he had his chance; the sellers had brought the price down by 20,000. “All I have to do is to convince the Epperlys this is their deal of a life time. The house is priced for a quick sale,” he thought.

Robert had studied his clients. Mr. Epperly, 45, a manager at the new medical building on 53rd street, worked only two miles away. Ms. Epperly, 41, a nurse at the orthopedic center at Williams Business Park, was close enough to come home for lunch. The kids, Jonathan and Meryl would attend Springfield High School which is nationally ranked academically. These reasons alone should cement the deal. However, the location of an upper middle class quiet neighborhood would also bring in a great resale value if the economy improved and the Epperlys wanted to move. The house listed as having a new roof and a two stall garage.

Robert chuckled to himself, “What can go wrong?” Robert remembered the response from the real estate office last week, “Yes, Mr. Footmore, the clients are living in Dallas, Texas and want the house sold as quickly as possible.”

Robert drove to the house ten minutes early and parked along the street. He thought, “No sale sign, I love it. The porch has a fresh coat of paint. The yard was just been mowed. The wrap around porch looks immaculate.” Robert relaxed. “Everything is just as it should be. He bowed his head and began to pray, “Thank you for this day. Thank you for my clients. Thank you for this appointment.” Robert lifted his head and mused, “After selling this house I can to take a vacation with my family.”

HONK. HONK. The blaring of a car’s horn startled Robert. He whirled around and saw the Epperlys waving to him from their car.

Mr. Epperly called out, “We saw you napping so we thought we’d wake you up. The house looks great.”

Robert jumped out of his car. “Glad to see you two. I was a little early just to make sure everything would be alright. The house does look great. Look at the roof, it looks new. It was replaced last year.”
The Epperlys looked at the roof. Mr. Epperly said, “It actually looks dull and worn.”

Robert quickly changed the subject, “Isn’t the porch great. It looks like they put a fresh coat of paint on it.” Robert jiggled the lock. “There seems to be a problem with this lock. It won’t open.”

As Robert kept trying to unlock the front door, Mr. Epperly walked to the back and noticed all the kitchen windows were open. “Hey Robert, the kitchen windows are open.”

Robert quickly tried to open the back door but the key wouldn’t fit. Desperate to make the sale and not wanting to disappoint his clients, Robert did the only thing he could think of. “There must be some slip up on the locks, I’ll just crawl through the open window and let you two in.”

As Robert contorted his body through a small window he yelled in pain, “Ow, my leg, it’s caught.” Robert’s body slammed to the floor as he screamed, “My back.” Stooping in pain, Robert let his clients in.

A police siren came barreling down the street stopping directly outside.

“Ms. Epperly said, “The police are here.”

The police approached the trio in the kitchen with their pistols drawn. “Halt, don’t move.”

Wincing in pain, Robert said, “I’m only trying to show the house to my clients.”

Jamey said, “The doors are locked. How did you get in?”

Robert said, “I got in through a kitchen window.”

“What address do you have?” asked Jamey.

“Isn’t this 4704 Darby Road, NW?” whimpered Robert.

Jamey scolded, “This is 4704 Darby Road, NE.”


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This article has been read 226 times
Member Comments
Member Date
Donna Wilcher 02/16/12
Great story! Loved the ending! still Laughing Out Loud!
CD (Camille) Swanson 02/16/12
Nice job! Hahahahahahaha...Very imaginative, cute story.
Thanks for the laughs.
God Bless~
Loren T. Lowery02/17/12
Did see the ending coming until the last few paragraphs which indicates you did a good job of not being too obvious. Nice job with dialogue, too. Seemed natural but doesn't always need a tag line after it. Enjoyed this and the slip up at the end was fun to see in my mind.
Cynthia Carter02/17/12
I enjoyed this. You slipped one in on me.
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 02/18/12
This was funny. I enjoyed the fresh take on the topic.

Instead of using tag lines like he said, use that opportunity to develop the character more by showing an action like Mr. Eperly wrung his hands. It shows he is nervous and would show who is talking.

This was fun to read and left me with a chuckle. It has a nice message too. It's easy to get caught up with what we want and miss the important details.
Jennifer Dawn Suchey 02/20/12
Cute story with an interesting ending. I did figure out what was happening when he decided to "break in", but still enjoyed it.

I agree with the comment about using action to show instead of tag lines. Read some of the stories in Masters for examples.

I have to say I was confused at the end about who Jamey was and where she came from. I went back to the beginning and realized she was there, but didn't know how she got into the scene at the end. I'm not sure if this is the house she was cleaning or a different house that happens to be for sale, yet it is unclear if it is for sale since there is no for sale sign.

Anyway, it was a cute story and entertaining. :)