The Official Writing Challenge
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Member
Date
02/16/12
Great story! Loved the ending! still Laughing Out Loud!
02/16/12
Nice job! Hahahahahahaha...Very imaginative, cute story.
Thanks for the laughs.
God Bless~
Did see the ending coming until the last few paragraphs which indicates you did a good job of not being too obvious. Nice job with dialogue, too. Seemed natural but doesn't always need a tag line after it. Enjoyed this and the slip up at the end was fun to see in my mind.
I enjoyed this. You slipped one in on me.
This was funny. I enjoyed the fresh take on the topic.

Instead of using tag lines like he said, use that opportunity to develop the character more by showing an action like Mr. Eperly wrung his hands. It shows he is nervous and would show who is talking.

This was fun to read and left me with a chuckle. It has a nice message too. It's easy to get caught up with what we want and miss the important details.
02/20/12
Cute story with an interesting ending. I did figure out what was happening when he decided to "break in", but still enjoyed it.

I agree with the comment about using action to show instead of tag lines. Read some of the stories in Masters for examples.

I have to say I was confused at the end about who Jamey was and where she came from. I went back to the beginning and realized she was there, but didn't know how she got into the scene at the end. I'm not sure if this is the house she was cleaning or a different house that happens to be for sale, yet it is unclear if it is for sale since there is no for sale sign.

Anyway, it was a cute story and entertaining. :)