The Official Writing Challenge
This article has been read 481 times
Member Comments
Your story had me hooked from the beginning - Pam seemingly very real. as well as her situation. I was "compelled" to read to the end to see how you would end the story and wasn't disappointed. Your title is what first caught my attention. The story full of well-timed suspense and action.
Excellent job here! I was pulled in and wanting more...Nicely done. Thanks.
God Bless~
Your story made me feel as though I was in that place watching you. You have a wonderful way of expressing your emotions.
Good job.
Your story was very well thought out and held my attention all the way through. Keep writing and God bless!
Lot's of high-impact conflict streaming throughout the piece. Nicely done.
Oohh I really liked this. You did a great job building the suspense. Once a nurse always a nurse.

You had a few minor errors- tracts instead of tracks. Also make sure you start a new paragraph each time someone different speaks.

I liked how you built the characters. I also think you did a nice job using both types of appointment.
Very good story. It kept my interest throughout. I liked the emphasis on a mother's importance in the home although I believe it is needed even through highschool. The writing was good. I there was a spot or two wording might be changed a little to clarify, but overall it was a well written piece.
There was lots of action and description in this one. I enjoyed the read. Thanks.
Well done, VERY well done! I like the way you used ";", rarely used by newbie writers. Good job.

The only flaw I found was near the end when you made an 'oopsie' and left the punctuation off the end of "Mommy, where have you been? You were late". (you'll roll your eyeballs when you go back and see it because now that I said that, it will grab your eyes first thing---LOL)

Also, at the end, it would have been perfect if, instead of saying, "Jesus sent me on an errand--" you'd have said, "Jesus had an appointment for me today."

GREAT story--the suspense was awesome, kept me reading to the very end! Well done, VERY well done! You won't stay on the "beginner" level long! Write on~
This is good.

As a couple of others have pointed out, there are a few minor errors, but nothing major. While I agree with one commenter who noted your use of the semicolon, I think you may have over used it just a bit. I'd stick to one per sentence, and only a couple of times for articles of this length. But then that's just my opinion. :)

GREAT job for a first entry!
Good start with a 'compelling' story. At the point of the explosion I hoped it wasn't 'Jimmy.' You had me hooked and I loved the mommy's response to Jimmy at the end.
Plenty of suspense here. I was so into it that I wanted to jump into the scene and do CPR! A good story that keeps you reading. Well done.
You had me at "Oh my goodness!" What a wonderful story ... full of suspense and fast paced. I felt like I really got to know the characters ... great job! Can't wait to read more!