The Official Writing Challenge
This article has been read 466 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
02/16/12
Loved this entry. It was packed with emotions and an extremely powerful message. WOW! Thank you for this crucial reflection...It will touch many I am sure. It touche me. God Bless~
02/16/12
I remember saying the same kinds of things when I was young.."That Jesus stuff is for old ladies!"...So very glad the Lord let me live through that rebellious time in my life.

I hope many have the opportunity to read your story..

Good work..
02/16/12
Wow! This is such a powerful, heart-wrenching piece. The descriptions were outstanding.

I noticed you switched tenses a few time past, present and past perfect.

I like the original take on the topic. We never know when our appointment with God will be. Great job!
02/17/12
Very gripping tale with a good message. I noticed a change in the verb tenses which is easy to do when writing, but is just as easily fixed with a re-reading a few hours/days after putting your pencil down.
02/18/12
This story kept my heart pumping from beginning to end. However, I prefer to see even a glimmer of hope at the end of a story. I understand your point (and it's a very good one), however, I attached myself to the MC and when he died it was just sad. (What if he nearly died and he saw how close he came to losing everything....?)

I'm not suggesting you wrap the story up with a pretty little bow. It wouldn't be any better to end with the MC saved 'in the nick of time' making every thing good and well in a poof.

But, if all hope is gone, all I'm left with is the feeling of fear. For God brings good, even from suffering, so even if the MC dies, perhaps we can see the glimmer of hope, or God's glory coming from it somewhere else, like maybe somebody else learns from the MC's mistake.

(This is a personal preference, and others may feel differently.)

Overall, you're story-telling skills are fantastic (the fact that you got me attached to the MC proves this), and I enjoyed the details and the feeling of emotions.
02/20/12
Wow. Very powerful! You drew me in from the beginning and kept me engaged. The ending was not expected, which is good. It doesn't have to be a happy ending. This is a very important lesson that many need to hear. The glimmer of hope the previous reviewer is looking for is for those who read it and realize they "do" have the chance to choose Jesus before it's too late.

A few things to think about. Instead of "intently watching", you could use a word like "focusing". This changes a sentence with an adverb to a sentence with a strong verb. You could even add that he was "focused with intent" if you want to emphasize the intensity of his focus. Or "intense focus". Just be careful about using adverbs, which often weaken a sentence.

I believe this sentence is grammatically incorrect.: An ear-splitting roar and a punch hurtled him through the air to crash into a dead tree. The words "to crash" are out of place. It's as if the "roar" and "punch" (the subjects of the sentence) are crashing into the tree. Simply saying, "hurtled him through the air and into a dead tree" is one option. Or "causing him to crash into a dead tree", if you want the word crash.

The cell phone was buzzing. "Was" is a weak verb and makes the sentence unnecessarily wordy. Simply stating that the cell phone buzzed in his backpack is straightforward.

When you use an ellipse ( . . . ) make sure you include a space before, after and in between each dot. Always three dots only, which you did.

You are a good writer and I look forward to reading more. Great job. :)
02/21/12
Your article gripped my heart. It was unclear where this young man was at the beginning, causing bated breath suspense. The end was heart-wrenching as he realized he was too late to make a decision to commit his life to Jesus. Gripping and very well-written!
02/23/12
Wow! What a story! It is a truth that many need to hear! My only criticism would be that in one particular spot, you changed tenses, if I'm reading it correctly. Other than that, it was a story that I read with anticipation of what was happening and what would happen at the end of it. Very, very good read!
02/23/12
Congratulations for ranking 7th in level 1!
02/23/12
I re read some of the comments and want to say that I like the ending because it was realistic. Also I disagree with the comment about the ellipses. It is acceptable to have three dots and no spaces. It is also okay to put spaces between them. You just need to be consistent. If it is at the end of a sentence it goes dot, dot, dot space period. Just wanted to clear that up. Writing can be tricky and the rules vary say between the US and the UK so it can be hard sometimes.
I did a google search and even the experts can't agree on the spacing. But it might be something you want to check out :)
01/27/15
Good writing and good message.

Comments and suggestions are made in numbered paragraphs

1
was replaced ...had replaced

4
Fixed ...or “prepared”

“Mom, I have…”
Open new paragraph.

He saw … New paragraph after end of person speaking

"I’m almost ..."For every person speaking a new paragraph

7
turn him blind ...or “make him blind…”

He swings ...use past tense …“swung” in keeping with the rest of the paragraph that uses the past.

8
surrounding him… “surrounded” him...keep to one tense.

knew in a flash of recognition…This sounds a bit awkward... perhaps “Then he suddenly recognized…” or “Then in a flash he recognized...”

10
The young man...New paragraph here...separate the speech of your protagonist from your author comment.

who did not think that his time was yet...this comment must not sound like a repeat of the protagonist’s words. Besides “yet” at the end of the phrase sounds a bit awkward on the tongue. Therefore make some changes. Perhaps “The young man who was not quite ready to die... etc”

Well told! Keep reading and writing and watch your skill improve.