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As I held my six-month-old baby in my arms, I watched the tail lights of the maroon Chevy Silverado drive away. I knew I would see the headlights the next morning so I thought nothing of them leaving or the driver they carried away. We just needed time to cool off, to think things through, to discover how to get over the bad run we had been having in our relationship. I understood it must have been hard to be a new father, fresh out of the Navy, and not really know what to do next. We had been experiencing trouble with our teenager daughter who I had given birth to in high school. His mother was living with us. I imagine the pressure of the world was on his shoulders and he really did need a night out with guys and be away from the obvious weight of not knowing what next step to take. I never expected I would wake up every morning for the next few mornings wondering what had happened.
I can still remember the feelings and emotions that ran through my body when I woke up that next morning. Was he dead? Why would he not answer his phone? For the next three mornings, I would call and get voice mail, until finally on the fourth morning I realized…he left. After nearly 10 years together, my husband had left our marriage. I had not seen it coming. I did not know what to think. I looked at my precious baby and wondered how I was going to care for her and a teenager without a husband. I wondered if I was dreaming and just needed to wake up.
It has been three and a half years since that moment and I still go back there in my mind. I wonder what I may have done differently. What I could have done to change the situation. I think through the words that were exchanged in the days leading up to that night and the kiss I had given him as I left for work that morning. I wonder what actions I could have taken to show him how much I really loved him despite my inability to show him in the ways he needed to be shown. It has been like losing someone to death because he was there one day and gone the next. One moment so happy to have the baby he had desired for so long and the next out of our lives forever. It is hard to get thoughts out of my mind and just move on as so many do after divorce.
Some mornings I feel like I am still waiting for those headlights to arrive. I wake up and wonder if there will be a knock on the door. I wonder what I would do if that were to happen. Then I shake my head and realize that I have to just press through and continue to look to God and heal. The headlights will not arrive for they are parked in someone else’s driveway now.
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