The Official Writing Challenge
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Member
Date
01/19/12
It's easy to picture a youth hovering on the edge of the crowd, hanging around for food but getting the bread of life in the bargain. It's believable.
01/20/12
Beautifully written with a powerful message as well.
I enjoyed this entire piece-the MC's personality and thoughts were laid out clearly for the reader to embrace...Nicely done!

God bless~
01/20/12
Sweet story! As Christians, we have all been in his shoes, haven't we? So thankful that I have a wonderful Father in Heaven that loves me!
01/20/12
I really enjoyed this piece! I really felt as though I was experiencing what your MC was feeling.

Some white space between your paragraphs will make for easier reading.

Well done! Keep it up!
01/20/12
I like that part about the zombie walk. I can actually picture the MC's nervousness and feelings of embarrassment; been there, done that. Great job.
01/24/12
Real creativity here. Such a pleasure to read. I agree with the comment about white space, and I think some more active sentences would make the pace quicken. Well done.
Wow! What incredible talent you have! You did an outstanding job of painting a picture by showing and not telling.

You hit on the topic perfectly. Not only was the MC embarrassed because he was poor, but he was embarrassed by actions he didn't understand, not to mention the shame of prejudging people. The biggest embarrassment is we live in this rch country, but still have kids who are hungry and in more ways than one!

The only thing I might suggest (other than double spacing between paragraphs for white space) is you don't need to use the topic word in the story. I've done it before if I'm nervous that people might not see the topic, but you showed embarrassment by "ducking my head"

Great descriptions. I did wonder if in the first paragraph if you meant chuck instead of chunk, but that's a tiny typo.

This is one of my favorites and I will be surprised if you don't do quite well with this one.
01/25/12
Wonderful piece of writing. I too really enjoyed the analogy of people coming to the altar as the "zombie walk." Really does help to try and understand how normal church like things appear to non-church folks. You crafted the story's transitions well and kept me interested all the way to the end. Nicely done!
01/26/12
I'm so thrilled this won 1st place (it was my favorite). Congratulations!
01/26/12
Congrats! God bless~