The Official Writing Challenge
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01/19/12
You did a great job of describing small town life. I could identify with Herb's predicament.
01/20/12
This was a wonderful story and it made me smile. Good job, and well written.
God bless~
01/20/12
I know this feeling! Good job and good luck!
01/21/12
Nice story telling!

A few small things to consider. In this sentence: "It was one of those towns if you sneezed everyone knew about it." You need the word "where" before the word "if". Was it only one of those towns IF you sneezed, or was it a town WHERE you sneezed?

I like some of your showing, like "he staggered" and "Brandy tapped her fingers".

Instead of saying, "What's wrong, Herb?" asked Brandy. Tell us what Brandy is doing. "What's wrong Herb?" Brandy tilted her head and placed her hand on her hip. Or, more interesting, Brandy chewed her gum and blew a bubble. This adds interest and draws the reader in.

Your ending could use a little more interest. Perhaps the MC could try to bribe Brandy into keeping her mouth shut by paying her an exorbitant amount of money. Maybe he slips her a $100 bill!

These are just a few suggestions. Your story was definitely on topic and you held my attention throughout. Nice job!
You are making progress. I see some of the suggestions were similar to mine. I know you've been working hard on doing more showing than telling. Just push past those comfort walls and you will keep improving.
01/23/12
This was cute but a couple of things didn’t seem realistic to me. One why would he tell his wife on the phone, “I’m a millionaire executive for a Fortune 500 company.” She would know his money situation and he certainly wouldn’t have to mention it to her. Second, why not just tell Brandy he forgot to stop at the ATM, everyone forgets sometimes. It wouldn’t make sense for anyone to think anyone of his position was broke just because he forgot to stop and get money. Besides if he lived in a town so small everyone knew when someone sneezed, if he had money problems everyone would have known it. A more realistic embarrassment line could have been that his wife wasn’t home and he had to have a police office accompany him to the bank to get the money or something like that. But this had great bones and fit the topic well.

01/25/12
i liked it :-) I took my 1 yr old daughter out to costa coffee once and we had coffee and lunch and then when i went to pay my card wasnt accepted at the till! I had no cash on me and my daughter had to use her card.... and didnt she rub it in :-) Great story and as I say i can relate. Only one comment it didnt need the final line !