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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: rain (10/17/05)

TITLE: The Reign of Guilt
By Debbie Sickler
10/21/05


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The Reign of Guilt


Jeremy stood on the edge of the cliff, looking out over the blackness below. Jagged rocks peeked through the crashing waves. Thunder escaladed as the dark night sky lit with bursts of lightning. He felt the clouds pelting the dust beneath his feet, and turned his crimson-stained face upwards, allowing the raindrops to wash away all signs of the night’s transgressions…



Danielle leaned over the kitchen sink brooding as she washed the dinner dishes. Gloomy nights such as this were typically enjoyable to her, as she loved the excitement that came with a good storm. Tonight however, she found no joy.

Her son Josh sat on the sofa watching “Shrek”. She usually tuned it out, but tonight a line had struck her: “Ogres are like onions… because we have layers.”

Frank, her stepfather, was often an ogre, but she could care less about his layers. He abused her mom, Sandra, from the start of their ill-fated relationship. She was thankful her mother was safe with her tonight.

Heavy footfalls on her porch caused Danielle to prickle with fear. Seconds later, Frank was standing in her home.

“Where is she, where’s Sandra?” A vile spray of alcohol scented spittle flew from his mouth as he spoke. Josh hid under the coffee table at the sight of his grandfather’s gun.

“Frank, you’re not welcome here.”

“Ah, Sugar, Daddy loves you too. Now where is she!” He threw a lamp, missing Danielle by inches. Josh crouched down deeper, tears flowing down his face. Sandra rushed to the living room.

“Get out of here!” This was the first time his wife had taken a stand against him and it infuriated him more. Frank lunged forward, grabbing her by the hair. Danielle tried to protect her mother, only to receive the back of his hand.

Jeremy pulled up to his home and was instantly concerned at the sight of his father in law’s car parked across his lawn. Without shielding himself from the rain, he ran to the front door.

“Back off Frank!” Jeremy’s words couldn’t penetrate the fog of alcohol clouding Frank’s mind, as he continued his attempts to drag his wife home. Jeremy swung as hard as he could, forcing him to release Sandra from his grasp; she ran to Danielle.

Frank nearly fell over from the blow. When he recovered his senses, he saw the forgotten weapon he held. Pointing it with a swaying arm outstretched, he issued the ultimatum: “Come home now.”

Desperate to protect his family, but also full of outrage, Jeremy tackled Frank. They began wrestling for control of the gun; the single shot pierced the souls of everyone in the room…



“God forgive me!” Jeremy howled into the storm, his voice thundering. “I know I was wrong.” Lightning cast an eerie glow around him, distorting his vision.

Between claps of thunder, he heard a familiar song coming from his pocket. The ring tone told him it was Danielle. He contemplated what he would say if he answered this time. Deciding that she deserved a good bye, he pushed the talk button.

“Jeremy! Where are you?”

“Honey, I’m so sorry… I can’t live with what I’ve done…Tell Joshy I loved him.”

“What? Where are you? Come home, the police were here. They know it was self-defense. Please, you’ve been gone for hours. Come home.”

The connection crackled with static causing her voice to fade in and out. Jeremy’s heart was torn between the guilt he felt for killing his father in law and the love he felt for his wife and son.

“I can’t. What I did was wrong. It wasn’t just an accident. In that moment, seeing his gun pointed at you and your mom, I wanted Frank dead… I deserve to die too.’

“Jeremy, no! You know our bodies belong to God. It’d be just as wrong for you to kill yourself. Please, he wouldn’t want you to do this. Jesus’ blood is enough; he already died in your place.”

The line was silent.

“I need time to think Danielle.”

Jeremy stood on the edge of the cliff, looking out over the blackness below. Jagged rocks peeked through the crashing waves. Thunder escaladed as the dark night sky lit with bursts of lightning. He felt the clouds pelting the dust beneath his feet, and turned his crimson-stained face upwards, allowing God’s love to wash away all of his transgressions…


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This article has been read 935 times
Member Comments
Member Date
Jan Ackerson 10/25/05
I would LOVE to see a longer version of this! Very effective the way you repeated the first paragraph at the end..with just that very important difference.
Cassie Memmer10/27/05
This is good! Kept my attention to the very end. I was hoping he would not allow himself to drown in the grief of what he'd done - what he'd had to do.
Cassie Memmer10/27/05
This is good! Kept my attention to the very end. I was hoping he would not allow himself to drown in the grief of what he'd done - what he'd had to do. Nicely done.
Anita Neuman10/27/05
Oooh, brilliant repetition of the first paragraph - that ties the topic in very nicely. GREAT story! (One tiny error - escalaTed)
terri tiffany10/27/05
I love how you made the slight change from the first paragraph to the end one. Some of the action scenes seemed difficult to get in all I know you wanted to show but you carried the idea well and again ended it terrific!
Garnet Miller 10/27/05
What suspense! This story is well written.
Denise Stanford10/27/05
Terrific, there is so much more story than the well chosen words written here. (Hope that makes sense.)
Laurie Glass10/27/05
This is one of my favorites this week. You had me sitting on the edge of my chair. Well done.
Brandi Roberts10/27/05
Must be over-emotional. This one definitely made me cry. Great job Deb!
Amy Michelle Wiley 10/27/05
ooo, good choice on title! ;-) I, too, loved how you tied the first and last paragraphs together. Well done!
Sally Hanan10/27/05
Good job with this one. It must have been hard to squish all you wanted to write into 750 words.
Julianne Jones10/28/05
Ditto to all of the above. And especially loved the way you repeated the first paragraph (I know it's already been said but it was just so effective). Well done!
Jeffrey Snell10/28/05
Powerful...nice job
Linda Watson Owen10/29/05
Excellent story telling! You had me all the way through.
dub W10/30/05
Good stuff, a little predictable, but very well written.
Donna Wilson11/10/05
Very good, Deb! You had me on pins and needles wondering if he was going to jump or not. Keep up the good work!


   
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