The Official Writing Challenge
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Member
Date
01/12/12
Very touching story! Keep writing and good luck!
01/12/12
This touched my heart. Heartache, pain, and loss are hard. Be careful with lengthy run on sentences because they distract readers. Very nice ending of gratitude.
Nicely written to give good visuals. Careful with double punctuation.

Keep writing; you are doing a great job!
01/14/12
Very appropriate title to a story that many have experienced.

The following sentences confused the story's time line for me.

“Hey Mom it’s Jerry. Hope I didn’t wake you? How was your visit with Dad today?”

“Oh fine, I guess, I’m just a little tired but wanted to let you know me and Dad had a good visit today and to touch base with you Mom.” Jerry said.

It's difficult to write dialogue that sounds authentic, but you're on the right track. Some improvement needed in sentence structure and punctuation. Ex: "The three-day anniversary get-away to the beach, celebrating the fifteen year mark, was almost over and both of them had jobs waiting for them back home and the kids - one son, Jerry, 10 years old and one daughter, Janet, 8 years old."

"Thanks for the memories, Hank" seems unnecessary. It adds little to what is
a solid summary.
I really like the message behind this sweet story. So many people forget the in sickness and in health part of their vows. Having a chronic illness, this really struck a chord with me.

I did notice your transitions were a little rocky. I didn't realize at first that the MC was remembering. Perhaps if you put her musings of the past in italics it would be easier to follow.

You definitely made the story about commitment. You also told a powerful memory. Though, I think the disease was Alzheimer's, I like how you left it open so more people could relate to the message.