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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Commitment (01/05/12)

TITLE: The walk
By Malin Boman
01/11/12


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I had been looking forward to our get together all day as it was always the highlight of my day. Not sure of where I would find them I headed down the garden path that takes you to the orchards of fruit trees on the sunny slopes on the south side of the river Pishon. It was a beautiful part of the massive garden, full of sounds from the various birds and insects and filled with a beautiful aroma, especially in spring when the trees where in full bloom.
They use to love it here, sitting under the trees the two of them talking and laughing together. Oh, how I loved to hear their laughter echo through the garden and as soon as they would spot me they would come running towards me eager to share their stories with me. We had so much fun together, so much joy and so much love.
But today was different. I didnít seem to find them anywhere. Where were they? ĎAdam?í Yet, all I could hear was the birds in the trees but not a sound of the two of them. This was unusual. ĎAdam, where are you?í Still nothing. I kept looking as I weaved myself through the trees. Then suddenly, amongst the fig trees I thought I saw something move, I walked closer. ĎAdam, is it you?í Adamís sheepish face popped out of the foliage, and I could see Eve standing behind him trying to not to be seen. Her hair was pulled forward to cover some of her face.
This was certainly a most unusual behaviour from both of them who would normally run towards me and throw the arms around my neck. What had happened? Adam kept his gaze on the ground before him while keeping a big fig leaf in front of him. He was shaking.
ĎWhatís the matter? What have you done?í I asked him feeling a sense of utter sadness roll over me. I didnít know if I was able to cope with his answer.
ĎI heard you coming so I hid here in the garden because I was afraid and nakedí Adam admitted while still looking away from me. He seemed to be trembling with terror.
I didnít want to believe what I was hearing. ĎWho told you that you were naked? My heart sank into a sea of sadness as I realized what they both had done.
No longer would we take walks in this beautiful place together, laughing and enjoying each otherís company. Our love relationship had been broken and I my heart was committed to find a way for them to return.


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Member Comments
Member Date
Judy Sauer 01/12/12
A different perspective on Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. Quite a few run on long sentences which clutter the story.
Michele Fleming 01/12/12
Aside from a few typos, you did a really good job with this. Good luck!
Kristine Baker01/12/12
I noticed some redundancy in your sentences which made it a bit wordy.

It did surprise me in the the middle when I realized this was God's perspective.

Good story, keep writing!
Terry R A Eissfeldt 01/12/12
I loved your voice - it does need to be solidified and consistent - but you're on the right road.
Love the picture of God's commitment to us.
Lillian Rhoades 01/13/12
What a profound rendering of man's failure and God's ultimate commitment to redeem us. Of course, the format needs revision -double space would improve the appearance and readability, but that does not take away from the beautifu,l descriptive narrative.

Some errors in sentence structure and punctuation
are noted.

For ex:
"Not sure of where I would find them I headed down the garden path that takes you to the fruit orchards trees on the sunny slopes on the south side of the river Pishon."

The above sentence needs a comma after "them." To tighten the sentence, you might consider writing as:

"Not sure of where I would find them, I headed down the garden path that leads to fruit orchards and sunny slopes on the south side of the river Pishon."

I'm sure there are other ways to make the sentence clear and concise with less words. Have you noticed, I also tend to be "wordy" when I write.:-)

A great visual of the Genesis story.
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 01/14/12
I enjoyed this POV from God's eyes. You did a nice job describing the Garden of Eden.

You had several little errors that a good proofreader would catch. In the last sentence of first paragraph where should be were. Then in the next sentence use should be used. Also when describe the path to the river you used the word "you". It could have been more descriptive if you said something like There is a footpath that runs parallel to the River. Try to avoid the universal you.

I liked how you showed God's commitment to humans. It touched my heart when you described how it saddened him. I think this was a creative spin on God's commitment to us.