The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
01/12/12
The message of your story is inspiring. There are many long run on sentences making it hard to follow.

I encourage you to reread and critique your writing. See which words can be omitted without compromising the objective of your story because sometimes less words makes for a more powerful article.
01/12/12
I enjoyed the story itself, but it was hard to read in places. Run-on sentences are an easy fix, though. Good luck and keep writing!
01/12/12
Thank you for your selfless giving in your missionary work. It takes a special person to answer this type of call.

I was confused on the sequence of events. Maybe presenting this in a little different order would help. Maybe bring the reader back to the beginning where you pulled away to tell your story.

Great submission. Keep writing!
01/13/12
This is a delightful story. It especially moved me as mt daughter,a senior in high school)is on her way home from a mission trip. I can't wait to heat her stories. You did a great job covering the topic in a fresh, new way.
01/13/12
A fantastic story of your commitment to the Lord and His faithfulness to you. Thank you so much for sharing this!
01/13/12
Your article brings back memories of my time spent as a short-term missionary, only yours lasted much longer:-) Although I easily followed the events, the article seemed top-heavy with details; albeit interesting. Perhaps,a personal interest story about one or two of the children who received the shoes may have added to the "show" part of writing that breaks up the telling part.

"It was an emotional experience as we met these poor children and saw how thankful they were to receive a new pair of shoes."
This would have been an excellent opening to "show" how the children responded. What did they do to make this experience emotional.
Give examples of your feelings as you watched their reaction. Ex. Your tears welled to the brim and almost spilled over, etc.

Show with words how thankful they were: faces beamed, eyes danced, etc.

You have a good grasp of grammar and sentence structure, in my opinion:-), and you definitely hit the topic.

Thank you for highlighting the opportunities for retirees to serve, and illustrating how God ALWAYS provides.

Disclaimer - Not subject to Judges' opinion. :-)
01/15/12
great .story well writing and relevant and engaging
01/16/12
Lovely story with great details. I truly got a sense of the emotions, the project, and the environment. My only suggestion would be to watch for passive phrasing, like "began to appear" and "were walking". Changing these phrases to "appeared" and "walked", will make your writing more active and less passive. (btw, I only noticed this in the first paragraph).
01/17/12
I enjoyed reading this heart-grabbing account of your experience.

Since we only get 750 words, you might want to see where you can be more economical. We didn't need to know twice that Ethel was the wife.

Good job!
01/18/12
This is a nice take on the topic. I agree with the review about more showing. I felt like I was reading a newsletter about a missions trip, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, if your only goal is to simply inform people what happened. However, it would engage the reader much more if the story was brought to life with action, strong verbs, showing the characters emotions, etc.

Showing versus telling is the first "lesson" I got after I submitted my first story on faithwriters. It's a good concept to research online and incorporate into your next story. Here's a link to a good article on the subject. I still refer to it after I've written a story and think it's pretty good but then wonder, "Did I really do all the showing I could?" http://www.dailywritingtips.com/show-dont-tell/

Keep up the writing. You have a strong foundation.
01/19/12
Congratulations! God Bless~