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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Commitment (01/05/12)

TITLE: Challenge
By Jose Lara
01/07/12


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Commitment is defined as a agreement or pledge to do something in future.
Keeping commitments are hard today. While working with different independent business owner, I have learned the hard way. These independent business owner always make their decision to bring family and friends into their business; however, independent business owner have learned that family member are always hardest to convince to enter into the business. As we present the business presentation and opportunity they are the first people to interrupt and asked how much they are going to make in the first month and year.
At the same time we try to make them join into the church, they go only once and complain they are too strict. As, we know we called it conviction to change for Jesus. Is the same way some people are looking for new opportunity the recession? Some people enter into business to work out a plan to get out from recession. Eventually at the same time people don't have enough money to go to church to filled their needs. They usually make a commitment to go to church all year, but not everyone had planned for the worse, for example like losing their job.
I a m an independent business owner for can, as December I have made a new commitment to run my business solo for a few weeks. At the same time I go around the house and found about two dollars I went to church for first time since March. I am promoting my business through Facebook and have order a few business card. Now know that building a business with company that provide different services, energy and tech support is not the easy life my family thinks.


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This article has been read 252 times
Member Comments
Member Date
Judy Sauer 01/12/12
Hello. It's good that you are trying out writing skills. I found your story hard to follow because of incorrect grammar. Also your content was inconsistent on present tense, past tense, etc.

I encourage to you keep writing. A tip I learned long ago is to read aloud my writing to make sure it sounds fluid and comprehensible. Another suggestion is to ask a trusted friend to read your article and edit it prior to submitting.

It takes courage to write and post online. For that alone, way to go.
Michele Fleming 01/12/12
I encourage you to read and re-read everything before you post. I found several mistakes as I read. Just remember...practice makes perfect! I am still working on that myself!
Glynis Becker 01/12/12
I appreciate your willingness to step into the writing challenge. I also agree that reading over your work will go a long way toward fixing some of the grammar mistakes.

Keep writing and sharing!
Kristine Baker01/12/12
Congratulations on submisdion to the writing challenge. Proofreading is an important step before submission. Also remember to preview your work so you know where extra line spaces should be placed in between paragraphs.

Kristine Baker01/12/12
I meant "submission" up above.
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 01/13/12
I really like your POV on the topic. I thought of several commitment ideas and I think running a business is a good one.

You had several errors that a good proofreader could catch for you. (There are groups and challenge buddies on the forums. You had some inconsistencies with plural words for example business should have been businesses and card should have been cards. Also be aware of what tense you are using. In this sentence: ...go around the house and found... The two verbs need to be in the same tense. Changing go to went accomplishes this. Another tip is to use action verbs. Just by changing go to scurried it helps paint a picture for the reader.Also be aware of how many times you used the word business in the first paragraph.

You did a nice job presenting your message. It is so true that many people don't have a clue about how much commitment it takes to run a business. You have given readers a lot to think about.

I can tell you were eager to write something for the challenge and that definitely showed up. Keep writing and don't get discouraged. Only you can tell the story that God puts on your heart.


Lillian Rhoades 01/13/12
Hi, I could be wrong, but from the tone of your article, I suspect that English may not be your native language. If so, congratuations on your effort to master a second language. Yes, there are numerous areas in your article that need revision. If I'm correct about your foreign birthplace, let me urge you to consult with someonewho knows English and/or basic rules for writing. A few examples of errors: I noticed that the letter "S" was missing from most of your nouns that needed one..."These independent business owner = owners. In some areas you incorrectly use the past tense for verbs when it should present tense. For ex. "Called it conviction." The appropriate word is "call," or "find" rather than found.

With proper guidance and continued exposure to good writing as seen in many of the articles here, you writing will improve.
Lillian Rhoades 01/13/12
My editing needs to improve.:-)

1) "should be"
2) "your writing"
Jody Day 01/17/12
Good job addressing the Challenge theme. Church and personal business do take commitment and you spoke to those issues from your own personal experience.

Please do take all the suggestions, knowing that you have gotten off to a great start with your writing, and that this group truly wants to see you improve and succeed.

Congratulations!