The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
On topic. I had some problem following the transitions of time and space. Need to work on comma use. It's is it is. Its is possessive.
I think the story would benefit with a little more backstory.
The idea you worked with is compelling.
I really liked this!It kept my attention and has an excellent message.
Wow - nice ending! This was an imaginative story, very clever, with a powerful message. I really liked it. Good job. God Bless~
This is good!

The dialogue and transitions seemed a bit... stifled at times; it didn't always flow very well. It also felt a bit rushed.

There are some good reminders in here. Thanks!
I like the fresh take on the topic. You did a nice job of telling a good message that many can relate to.

Some of the transitions were abrupt. Ithink this may have been because of the word limit. Try to focus on one message to help this. Your material about the single mother would make a great story in itself.

The beginning was really good too. It drew me in and made me curious.
This is a creative story. I agreed with the comment about commas. Also, don't forget to put a period after "Dr.".

You did a great job of showing what the characters are doing. You could save words by eliminating phrases like "he asked" after dialogue. Example: “Do you see that computer?” He pointed at his desk. (I omitted "he asked".)

It depends on the editor, but faithwriter judges prefer to omit phrases after dialogue like "he said" or "she asked". If you feel the need to put something to indicate who is speaking or want to show what they are doing, do it without those phrases (like the example above). Other members have mentioned this in feedback on my entries as well as other entries, and I was a bit baffled. And then it was confirmed in a Ratings Feedback Report I ordered. I used the phrase "he bellowed" thinking that was a great way to express how the character said the phrase, but was still called out on it and apparently marked down for it. Like I said, it depends on the editor. Obviously we read phrases like this all the time from best selling authors, but for the Challenge, leave those phrases out.

You're a great writer. Keep the stories coming!
Ahh, yes, our brains certainly have been infected with so many viruses; if we could see them all listed out in front of us, we'd run away screaming I think!

As someone who has recently had the experience of seeing a psychologist, I can truly relate to this story. It is true, God can and does work in the hidden parts of our minds and spirits if we let him; it can be extremely painful and many times I wanted to pull the plug, so to speak. I praise God for giving me the strength to hang in there and now, nearly 12 months later, I am a much healthier person than I have been in a long time.

Not sure if this is a true life account; if it is, thank you for having the courage to share. Well done.
Congratulations on your win. Nicely done.
God Bless you~