Just calm down mama.” I rolled my eyes and took another sip of my coffee.
“My computer is haunted. That little drawer opens all by its self. The other day I was in the bathroom trying to do my business. I heard music in the kitchen and I thought someone had broken into my house to rape me. I eased my pants up and slipped into the bedroom to get my shot gun. When I peeped around the corner it was that blame computer. It was making all that racket. Then I couldn’t do my business. My rhythm is all messed up. Ricky ate all those prunes you got me at Costco.”
“Mama I think you have a virus.”
“No honey.” She said in a confidential whisper. “A virus goes the other way with me. I don’t have one. Dr Tolbert always makes me take a flu shot. When are you going back to Costco?”
“Mama, I’m talking about your computer.”
“Well that is the most ridicules thing I ever heard. Should I get my computer a flu shot?” she snorted.
“Mama did you run that CD I sent you?”
“You know I can’t run. I go to the Silver Spinners. Dr Tolbert said running is too hard on my knees. He wants me to cycle. Why would I want to run with a CD? Does it have the oldies? I love sweating with the oldies.”
“Mama did you install the CD?”
“I did what you said. I put it in that drawer. The one you told me to put it in. I put it in and closed the drawer.”
“Mama, after you put it in did it pop open?”
“No it wasn’t demon possessed then.”
“Mama did you do what it said on the screen after you put the CD in?
“Well let me think? That was last Tuesday. And oh yea that was when Edna called. You ain’t gonna believe this. A squirrel had got in their attic. Her husband ran it out and then shot up the whole back yard trying to kill it. He had destroyed the bird feeder, busted up the birdbath and ricocheted one off the clothesline. He hit everything but the squirrel. She was laughing so hard I thought he was killing her. He started roaring about her fat behind making a nice target. That’s when I went to get her. He was so mad he ruptured a blood vessel in his eye. I ended up sitting with them at the emergency room all morning. When we got back to her house her koi was belly up in the pond. That’s when I had to take the gun away from Edna. Then…”
“Mama “I interrupted “I’m sorry about Edna but I need to know if you installed the virus protection.”
“What? Oh honey, I really don’t know. There was too much going on.”
“Mama if you already have a virus then it’s too late. A virus can make your computer start by itself and it can make the CD drive open.”
“Mama did you backup?”
“Yea honey, I’m backed up. That’s why I want the prunes. When are you going to Costco?”
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