The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
12/29/11
You write in a simple, smooth style that's easy to follow. This is on subject. You tell a story well. What might make it more enjoyable is to add more emotion, more punch. Rather than letting the story just unfold, add some intensity and conflict. Overall, well done.

Mona
On topic and very interesting. I love your writing style.
12/29/11
Oh I really liked this. Great powerful ending...Nicely done.
God Bless~
12/30/11
This is creative.

I felt it was a bit weak on topic.... You only mention it once or twice, and then it's about how it's not actually a virus.

Good job with this overall.
12/30/11
This is a sweet story. I agree that it is a little weak on the topic. Just to clarify, you technically only had to write about virus OR hacker. I wonder if you felt you had to include both, which I wondered as well and asked in the forums.

This story could have taken place without the mention of a hacker or virus, which makes it a little weak in that regard.

I would suggest to do more "showing". Instead of telling us Amy is excited, show us by her actions. Consider showing more bits of action to draw the reader in. Something as simple as "Amy sank into the overstuffed sofa". The suggestion to "show versus tell" was the first constructive criticism I got from a faithwriters member and it really helped my writing. Do a google search on it and you'll learn a lot.

Good job. I enjoyed your story. :)
I enjoyed this. As a young teen mom myself I could relate to the story.

My only suggestion would be todo more showing then telling. This isn't easy todo but instead of the part where you describe the frustration about not coming up with an idea have your MC show it by slamming her fist on the table or wad up apiece of paper.

You did a nice job with this and though pop ups may not be a virus I saw it as the ultimate hacker was God using the computer to get her where he wanted her to be.

This made me smile because God has beendoing things like this to me lately.
01/05/12
Congratulations - God Bless~