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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Search Engine (10/06/11)

TITLE: Travel Along With Me:
By Sherry Norton
10/12/11


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Travel Along With Me:

Look Lulu, it is my turn and I want to do a search for class, do you want to
come along?

Well, where are you going this time?

I am going to the Middle East.

Sure, I'd like to come along, it sounds interesting.

So Tiny and Lulu set out on another journey though it was nothing they had
ever experienced before.

Are we there yet?

No, but it will not take long, soon as I hit the search button.

Ooo, awesome, wow, did you see that?

Yes, lulu, I saw it also.

Well, where are we going first?

I thought I'd like to look at The City of David, and get what info I could
before moving on to the battle sight where David encountered Goliath.

Goliath, he was about 9 feet tall wasn't he?

Yes, I believe that is what the information documents, I guess we will see
that for ourselves pretty soon. Well, lets go.

Hey Tiny, I think that is the Israelite army, but what are they doing?

It looks like they are hiding to me Lulu.

That's what I thought. That army is not hiding. Who are they?

From my information that is the Philistine army. Yup, there is Goliath coming out
from the ranks.

What is that he is saying, can you understand him?

Shh, let me translate. He is challenging one of the soldiers to come out and
meet him in combat, and if he wins Israel will be the Philistines slaves, and if
their man wins the Philistines will be Israel's slaves.

Wow! It looks as though no one is going to take him up on this challenge.

Lulu, I think that is David, , and he does not look happy with what Goliath
has said. He's talking to some soldiers, and here comes another, oops that is
not a soldier, that is the king.

Is David going to fight Goliath in that armor? It is too big for him.

No, see, he took it off. He is picking up some stones for his sling.

Will that do the job, Tiny?

Yes, with God It does the job.

Uug, David cut Goliath's head off and is carrying it off with him. Where is
he going?

To the king with his proof that God's army of Israelites has won. Man, watch
those Philistines run.

Yah, but the Israelites are running hard after them now Goliath is out of the
picture.

Say, that was fun. Did you learn anything new?

Not really, I really wanted to confirm the information I already had
knowledge of. I agree it was fun. Where are we going now, you know it is your
turn.


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This article has been read 181 times
Member Comments
Member Date
Catherine Maher10/21/11
Nice story to read. On topic as they used the search engine to go on an excting adventure. That's the way our generation used to refer to our kids when they read a book...a new adventure where you can go anywhere in the world without ever leaving home. Flows nicely altho sometimes I couldn't tell if it was child or adult language. Good ending too.
CD Swanson 10/22/11
Great job of keeping on topic, and an imaginative way to bring it forward. I thought it was realistic and very "up to date" in the world of today.

I enjoyed it- God Bless~
Linda Goergen10/24/11
That was a fun and interesting way to use the topic. That would make a nice game for a parent and child, to pick a topic and see what they can learn through the search engine. Enjoyed!
djvenzke Venzke 10/25/11
Nice way of portraying what can be done via the internet search engine. Conversation flowed. Possible excursions are endless.
Lillian Rhoades 10/25/11
(1)(2) Did it fit the topic? How creative?... Your entry was creative and on target for the topic.

(3) Craftsmanship and grammar... Remember to use quotation marks before and after each person speaks: also helps to determine who's speaking – not always clear in your story. At times your dialogue lacked the ease and flow of normal conversation.
Ex: “What is that he is saying, can you understand him: You might consider writing it as follows with correct punctuation marks. "What's he saying? Can you understand him?” Contractions make the dialogue less robotic. Also, consider including a bit of action with dialogue. This enhances the dialogue.

For ex: Tiny leaned forward. “What’s he saying? Can you understand him?"

(4)(5) I thought you had a good opening sentence, and exchanging turns was a great way to conclude the story.


Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 10/26/11
I liked how you illustrated that a search engine can take you anywhere. It reminded me of escaping in a book. Have someone proofread your entry before you submit it. Make sure you put dialog in quotes. Also double-check your punctuation rules and make sure you capitalize names. You may want to describe some of the actions. It will help break up the dialog and help the reader know who is talking andwhat they are doing. This is a charming story that many kids will be able to relate to.
Jody Day 10/27/11
Very creative treatment of the topic. This is a nice piece, but needs some technical help with punctuation, quotation marks, and some interjected action.

Nice job:)
Beth LaBuff 11/01/11
I'd love a search engine that could show us the event. I enjoyed your creativity with this. Thank you!