The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
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Date
10/20/11
Your first sentence was a good hook. You did a good job of portraying Tami's worry, her inner thoughts.

You can clean up the way the paragraphs look in the 'preview' when you submit.

Very creative, and on topic:)
Very true to life- I have been looking for the message and emails, have heard the whispers telling me my husband doesn't care! How true! Great job!
10/20/11
Ah, the beauty of making her wait and then leaving a suprise. Love it.
I like this original story.

I've learned that when you have a character emphasizing a thought, it's acceptable to put the words in italics italics. Do away with the quotations.

I'm not sure if the one sentence word throughout the piece was intentional, but it would read better and more clear if written as a straight sentence.
So much passion. If this is real I hope you always feel the same about him. I enjoyed this.
Great start and flow. Kept my interest fully engaged. The tension about where's Dez was great. Portrayed how satan whispers in our ear...I could feel it and relate. On topic for sure. Has some grammar errors, easily fixed.
I love how he left clues for her. Lots of fun reading. Good ending too. I could just see those flowers fly!! Great job.
10/21/11
This was so many things, clever, emotional, and on topic- and it is believable as well.

Nice job - thank you for this imaginative entry. Good job. God Bless~
10/22/11
Such a fun story! I agree about cleaning up your story using the preview setting and I cannot wait to see more coming from you.
Great start, flow, tension, and satisfying conclusion. Formatting and double spacing paragraphs will make this a better read. Keep writing!
10/23/11
Your strength was criterion #2 (unique, fresh, memorable). I've read most of this week's entries, and none of them took an approach like this. Well done.

Work on #3 (craft). I felt that the emotions of both of your characters didn't entirely fit the situation, so the story read as somewhat contrived.

Another strength was #7 (flow). The conflict drew me in, and I definitely wanted to know how it would all resolve.
10/24/11
Very imaginative and suspenseful story! Great job of weaving an entertaining story around the topic. You did a great job bringing across Tamie’s emotions too, first her worry and aggravation and then her happiness at what he had done for her. The story had a good message too! I thoroughly enjoyed this!
This piece kept my interest from beginning to end...a good read. Thanks for sharing and good luck!
This is really clever. I enjoyed it and could really relate to the MC and herself-doubts. When writing her thoughts out you may want to put them on italics ( at the start and then type at the end of the thought.) If you don't want to do that then only put one set of quotes around the thoughts. It's okay to have several sentences or thoughts in one set of quotation. marks. Also make sure you hit preview before submit. Your timing is excellent. My Anniversary was Monday and I felt many of the same insecurities. God is truly awesome.
You did a very good job here with the suspense in your creative story.
11/01/11
Well done! I liked how you showed the wife's emotions: worry, doubt, fear, confusion, and finally, joy.

I was a bit confused as to exactly why the husband was so late,(I assumed it was to develop the personal website for her.) but the last scene shows that it didn't matter.

This story shows the ups and down of a good marriage.
Congratulations on 3rd place!!!
Thanks everyone for all the comments. My first experience in the Challenge has been fun. I just wish I could get the hang of the formatting. I'll eventually figure out how to get a proper looking submission in the box.