The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
09/16/11
I really like the opening line. The words of the song you chose echo in my mind, also.

Your theme is very relevant, but at times I felt you needed to show the reader, instead of, tell the reader the story.
09/16/11
This was an interesting and clean read. I especially loved this:
"...by the whoosh from the whipping of tails and the clicking of nails tapping like little dancers on the tile floor." Having dogs, I envisioned and heard that which you were depicting. Liked it, good job. Thanks for posting. God Bless~
This is an interesting story and one many people can relate to, especially these days.

I don't think you needed the first line.You start out telling the reader something, then do a great job in the middle of painting a picture then in the end you go back to telling again.

Also remember the quotation rules too... If the same person is talking in a new paragraph,you don't put end quotes at the end of the last paragraph --just at the start of the new paragraph then quotes again when the person is done speaking. There were a couple of times when I thought it was a new speaker but then realized it didn't make sense and it must have been the same one.

Keep working on doing more showing, you have a goo start on it. It's something many writers struggle with. You have a great idea for your story and the message is one everyone can understand. Keep writing:)