The Official Writing Challenge
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Member
Date
08/25/11
Oh, you had me at the beginning.... Didn't realize it was just a game until you revealed it! Nice twist.

I had a bit of trouble following this, but it may just be me. I think for me, at least, it was the present tense. I think this would have worked better in past tense.

I loved your line about the cannon and the thimble pieces. :) Good job.
I was really hooked in the beginning then I found myself having to reread quite a bit to understand.

You seemed to jump from the game to the TV to Bible verses. I think the word count limieted your bridges so the reader can follow easier. Also try usingf less tags like replied, said etc. and use descriptions instead. Paint me a picture with your words.Instead of Norman informs unkindly show me what that would look like for example a sneer spreads slowly over Norman's lips.

You did a great job with the dialog and I can tell you are working on the show vs. tell dilemma. Keep up the good work. You have some great stories and messages inside you bubbling to get out!
08/26/11
This was a clever story,I truly didn't know what was going on for quite some time. Masterful job in tricking the readers. Nice job...God Bless~
Well done! I liked the use of your Monopoly game to show comparisons to truths and characters of humans and how Satan comes to fool us and destroy us. Good messages here-a little confusing but maybe that was just me. Nice job. Comical yet honest piece.