The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
08/12/11
I really liked your story. Good build of drama and it flowed well.

The drama of the bartender being alone would have been more intensified if it was understood that the bartender was a woman. I assumed it was a man until I read the word "Ma'am" and was taken back a bit.

The story would be easier to read if it were spaced out more. Double space between paragraphs or indent. Not sure if that was a formatting thing when you pasted it into the submission form. If so, make sure you always preview before hitting submit.

I was a little confused what the "irony" referred to at the end and, to be honest, I'm not sure how the story relates to the topic.

I realize that was a lot of criticism, but I really did like your story!!! I enjoyed reading it and "wanted" to keep reading, which is saying something. I thought you did a nice job. It was original and I connected to the characters (once I knew the MC was a woman!). Very nicely written.
Your descriptive voice is strong, and you paint amazing pictures of the landscape.
You also sucessfully managed to create an atmosphere of menace with your characters in black - so the scene was set for the eventual outcome of rowdiness.
I am not quite sure that the sudden introduction of the rescuer actually works in the context of the setting, and I too, had a little difficulty relating the story to the theme.
Other than that this was an enjoyable read.
This is a great story with the perfect amount of suspense although I think I would have been holding my breath longer if I had known right away that the MC was a female.

It may be a little weak on the topic ( but I think the topic is difficult) It's subtle but I do see that the MC needed to be honest with herself that she was in over her head and once she admitted it to herself, she could be honest with God and ask for the help she needed.

I loved some of the phrases you used; they painted a great picture for me. Keep working on showing a picture with your words ex Instead of telling the reader she was afraid ;show them a picture like: The raucous of the three men in the corner made her tremble, the blood left her face and her chest heaved with every breath.

You have great stories in you, with a little work, they will become outstanding in no time. Don't get discouraged you have a great deal of raw talent and your story was an enjoyable read.
You are an excellent writer! Take all the comments made before my comment to heart to improve your flow and characterizations. Keep writing!I could feel the cold Cheyenne wind blowing in my hair.