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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: The Importance of Being Earnest (not about the play) (08/04/11)

TITLE: divine Debut!
By Rachael Severa


“You have fifteen minutes…Ted,” a hasty coordinator shouted. “But….my wife isn’t here yet” he anxiously disputed. In a quiet panic, Ted leans his body along the door post searching for a sure sign of his wife. With a look of confusion, he thinks “Where is she tonight?”…...

While growing up, Ted thought prioritizing his life was too constraining. His philosophy hinged on “never be tied down.”, but in an instant his recollections f-a-d-e-d back in time to Life-In-Christ Church in Abilene.

…… Disheveled with stained clothes and wearily slumped in his pew, Teds’ tired eyes would divulge the most obvious of clues.

With a glance to the right, Ted spotted a hand gliding his way. “Hello…I’m Pastor John…Glad you’re with us.” With delight Pastor handed him a book, “I kept this for you. I had a feeling you’d be back in here today.”

Bowing his head down, Ted recognizes The Good Book. In a broken whisper Ted said “Thanks”, as he received it without question.

“Do you mind if I sit here?” asked Pastor John.

Ted bluntly replies “No” as his eyes surveyed his surroundings…. “Not at all…but I’m probably not the best of company.”

“No matter” Pastor John says, “I know you want help…and that I can do.” With solemn eyes he gave Ted a stare…

“But do you want to BE SAVED?”........

Until then, Ted never gave “Being Saved” a serious thought.

His divided attention pull him back-and-forth to the present, he hears the growing laughter in the front hall and then quiet again. still no sign of his wife, and d-r-i-f-t-s back in time to Abilene.

…… “May I have your bowl?” asked Ted (Spooning out spaghetti adding a piece of bread).

The humbled lady said “Thank you” while reaching for one more piece. Ted couldn’t help but smile and wave.

Cleaning up the kitchen isn’t Teds’ favorite chore; he was hired as maintenance, but grateful to help in anyway. “I’ll get this?” Ted gestured to Amie, a Sunday School Teacher. “Folding the tables can be mighty heavy.”

“Thanks Ted. You’re so sweet!” Amie said with a grin. “I’ll see you later!” as she debates whether to hug him. But to make him understand, Amie turns around and just plants one on his cheek. Ted’s face illuminates like spectrum in daylight, and smiles in amusement that she found him endearing.

“Uh Ted? Before you leave” the Pastor hurrying to tell him. “For three days, It’s been weighing on me to give this to you.”

Ted said “What?”

Pastor John “This music!”

Pastor went on “listen to this side, and learn the songs. Then record yourself on the second side.”

“Alright,” Ted says doubtfully. “I don’t know anything about music.”

“But, you will” Pastor said.

Ted rushes up a makeshift ladder to a loft above the church club house; a plain room that Pastor John kept for hired hands.

Holding this cassette with inquiry, Ted dropped it in and [Pressed Play]. He listens to the first song then the second. When he finally recorded, he just sat there in disbelief (mumbling) “Yeah, right, as if this is supposed to mean anything?”

Thinking of Amie and her long auburn hair, it then occurred to him, a most peculiar thought “Maybe my being here is part of a divine plot?” ……….

Until then, Ted never gave “Friendships” any importance.

Loud noises clanging were capturing Ted’s ear. He straightens his clothes with little time to spare, and his wife is yet to appear. For in the next two minutes,
Ted’s world would be different.

Briskly walking to retrieve Ted, the coordinator says “I’ll escort you from here.” Taking the long walk to the front compounded his fear, but he knew once he started his mind would clear.

Over the house speakers an enthusiastic voice speaks, “Please welcome…Ted Marvel.” The crowd screams in waves from stage left to stage right, and Teds’ knots start to tighten but hopes it won’t last long.

As the music engages for Ted to get set, Ted sings the first words to his debuted Billboard Chart No. #1 song- “Hands of God.” He would sing the entire night.

Back at his dressing room there were gifts and flowers all over, with small and large sizes of cards laid out in order. But there were one large arrangement that stood out from the rest, a large size card that said “Twins…An early arrival, your two girls Mary and Beth Marvel”- Love, Amie.

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Member Comments
Member Date
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 08/13/11
This is a good story with intriguing characters. I liked how you set up the conflict right away. I could feel the pain and worry your MC was facing.

You need to work on some of the mechanics of writing. Start a new paragraph each time there is a new speaker. Be careful about the overuse of ellipses. They should be used if a speaker trails off, or if you are quoting someone and you leave part of the quote out. Also it's only 3 dots...sometimes you used more. Jan's Writing Basics on the message boards has great advice.
You've done a good job with this story and it has a good message. Keep up the good work.
Andrea Willard 08/14/11
A very pleasing ending to your story. I won't comment on the mechanics as that has already been covered. That will come as you continue to write and I hope you do!