The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
08/04/11
I like your story on how something so innocent can go completely wrong. You might want to break up the sentences a little for an easier read. Good Job!
08/04/11
Retract: when reviewing again, I think it read just the way it should have. OOps!
08/04/11
I really liked this, The characters were great andI can see a kid dialing just that.

It did start a little slow. You did a nice job with the details in painting a picture for me but A lot of it wasn't needed to move the story along.

I really perked up with the 911 call. I can see you're working on that show vs. tell. You're doing a good job. Something that will help even more is to get rid of the tag lines like said etc. For example instead of Jason queried try Jason peeked over his wife's shoulder. It gives is a picture and lets us know Jason is speaking.

Overall great story and fun characters with a fresh take on the topic.
08/19/11
Congratulations on ranking 9th in level one!