The Official Writing Challenge
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Member
Date
07/28/11
Nice story idea. You started off with some good "showing" during the fight ... however, you slipped into a lot of "telling" after that. If you aren't familiar with the term "show don't tell" or "showing versus telling", this is a perfect aspect of writing for you to explore and grow in. This was the first piece of constructive criticism I received on a challenge and it has really helped my writing.

An example of "telling" sentences would be these:

Doug's wife confronted both of them and demanded to know exactly what had happened. She rescued Carol from any further punishment, if you could call what was happening punishment.

You could "show" what is going on by changing it to something like this.

"What's going on here?" Doug's wife demanded. "Carol, come here", she said while putting her arm protectively around her daughter.

This keeps the reader engaged in the story, which is more exciting and interesting than simply being told what is happening.

If this were to be written for a devotional book, then your ending would be appropriate. However, if the intention is to simply be an engaging short story that includes a lesson to be learned, it is better to reveal the lesson within the story in a way that isn't preachy. But again, it depends on the intended purpose of the writing.

I am pretty knew to this type of writing, but these are two things I quickly learned and I bestow upon you, a fellow beginner challenger! Keep writing!
07/31/11
some powerful emotions her and well told.
I found the story drew me in. the way you told it initially was very engaging but once he was arrested it seemed like the writer stepped back into description.
How did the dad feel how did the mom and daughter feel. this would have kept the story more "real"
great writing though!