The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
07/21/11
I love this sweet story and the fitting conclusion to which you brought it. Thanks for sharing.
Yes, it is frequently not what we say but our actions which can 'touch' others.
I like this story and the way in which you tell it.

I would suggest the following:
'...very different (than) from us...'
I absolutely love this story. It would be perfect, with a bit of polishing, to submit to a tween magazine or as a Sunday School handout.

I can tell you are working on showing vs telling and you're doing a good job, but every once in a while you slip back into telling. Take your line:
Karen was still confused, but she answered that the girl’s was correct.

Other than girl's should be girl you are still telling not showing. Just a little change will paint a picture for your reader> Karen crinkled her eyebrows; she glanced at the table, shrugged her shoulders, and looked with wide eyes at the girl and then slowly nodded her head.

Mine is a bit wordy but you can see the girl is confused and struggling with what to do. Hopefully as a writer, you'll paint a picture with your words.

You're doing a great job and there are many places where you do a great job of showing.

Your characters are perfect and the scene in the cafeteria could have been a snapshot of every school cafeteria around. I liked your ending,especially the fact that the teen solved her own problem by using her brain instead of having an adult solve it for her. Great job.
07/24/11
I like your story. Especially because the Christians in your story are true witnesses. They are not turning people off with noisy & unbalanced proclamations. Your idea of "here" and "there" is GREAT too.
Congratulations for ranking 10th in level one! Keep working on that showing vs telling and you'll be ranking in the top 3 in no time!:)