There are three little words that should be easy to say. Should be, but very hard sometimes. I forgive you. Simple, right?
My mind is a constant battlefield. Day and night I see the same movie reel of memories playing over and over again. I hear the snide comments, the laughter, and the ridicule. I see the angry black eyes and the look of disgust.
The next scene on the reel is brutal to watch and feel again. I’m 8 years old and my sisters are 5 and 4.
“Line up against that wall,” says my Daddy, laughing, with a cold drink in his hand.
My sisters and I line up and wait. He picks up a shiny silver carpenter’s staple gun and aims it at us.
“POP, POP, POP!”
The staples sting as they hit our legs. We start to cry. Daddy laughs and tells us to stand still. We line up again, trying to cover our little legs with our hands.
“Stand up straight girls!” says Daddy.
We stand and wait and look in horror as he lifts up a pellet gun. He takes a sip of his cold drink and aims. One eye is squinting as he lines up the barrel to our feet.
“Ready? 1…2…3,”, says Daddy.
We start screaming, “No, Daddy, please don’t!”
“That is enough Jimmy!” shouts my Mother. Finally.
End scene. The movie reel stops and I’m snapped back to the present.
My mind is constantly at war with the memories. I’m an adult now with my own children and they are my heart and soul. I look down at their sleeping faces and feel such peace.
“Thank you Lord for blessing me with such treasures. Help me to be the best parent I can be, help me to love them as you love them. Also, Lord, help me to see my Father as you see him. Help me to forgive him as you have forgiven me.”
Yes, my mind is a battlefield, always at war with memories and emotions and struggling to find peace. My mind is an ever going movie reel, but my God is there with me, helping me through and helping me heal.
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