The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
04/28/11
Reminds me of something they used to promote on a radio station I listened to. They called it "The Drive-Thru Difference Day," where participants would pay for the car behind them. It was always neat to hear the stories, both from people who joyfully gave and people who delightedly received. One little act of kindness can make a big difference.
I really enjoyed this story. I felt nervous as the MC was anxious.I remembered my early days on a new job. I love the idea of ARK. It's cool to see how many nice people are out in the world.

I do have a tiny bit of red ink for you, remember to capitalize proper nouns like Starbucks.

Also double space between paragrapghs including when a new person starts talking. That extra white space makes a huge difference.

Lastly, you have a good start on lowering the number of tags like said, but you can do more to help the showing vs. telling that all writers struggle with. For example in this sentence:
"That is a pretty bracelet you have there.” The man said handing me his card.
If you take out the said and change handing to handed, you create more of a picture.

I know my comments sound little and nitpicky, but it can change a good story into a great one. You definitely have a natural gift for storytelling. Your story is one everyone can relate to plus you slipped in an outstanding message without coming across as preachy. Nice job!

05/05/11
What a blessing ARK's can be! I loved the theme of this story. Another way (besides Shann's comments) you might a good story better is to use stronger, more active verbs (fewer was's). Thanks so much for sharing this. I enjoyed it!
Tiara, great story and with the changes mentioned by Shelley and Shann it would really flow. I know the whole 'show vs tell' gets old but it really sparks things up. I love the ARK concept, I will remember that.