Two more days until my due date. The end of this pregnancy, will be the harshest consequence I'll ever have to face. My parents remind me daily of the, 'disgrace' growing within my womb. Father commenting, "If the church got wind of this! It would just be too shameful for Mother to endure."
I'm amazed as I watch waves of life rolling through my belly. Carressing the skin separating us, brings comfort to us both. My faith, deepening, with every minute of pregnancy. The realization of our lives dwelling together within one body, exceeds all doubts of Godís love for me, and her.
Surely, there's no way of knowing she's a girl, but somehow I feel she is. I love her, and call her Grace. It's difficult to comprehend how that beautiful word is spelled within such a degrading word as , 'disgrace.'
Throughout these lonely, hidden monthís, Grace has been my only friend.
"Oh God! I'ts time! Please help me to understand what Your purpose is in all of this." I felt my stomache tighten, a strong pain holding it captive for what seemed like eternity.
Calling for my mother through the all consuming pains of labor, she entered the room annoyed as usual. I tell her to call the agency. "Babies coming!"
Within one minute, she had summed up my entire pregnancy. Her syllables harmonizing to the pounding of her finger dialing numbers. "This nightmare's about to end. When it does, we'll have normal lives again."
My heart ached at her harsh words. Her life? Normal again? What about Grace's? Mine?
I wanted to scream and shout, but I couldn't, the pain wouldn't allow it.
Itís time. Grace is about to enter the world. I'll never know if sheís a girl or not, but one thingís for sure!
Grace, isnít the mistake.
The Doctor putting a mask to my face, told me to breathe in, and said, "In a couple of minutes itíll all be over." His voice faded as I slipped into a deep sleep, escaping the hardest thought of all, our nine months together was about to end.
"The baby's arrived. It's a girl. Your daughter's resting. When she comes out of the anthisetic the documents will need to be signed, immediately. The agency is aware and the adoptive parents are on their way. Any questions?"
"No!"..... "Wait!"...... "I want to see her?"
The Doctor seemed confused. "I was informed the family wouldnít be seeing the baby?" His facial expression changed when he saw the broken heart of a grandmother bearing the world's weight on her shoulder. " This was your daughter's requeast.Ē
"Iím aware, but I need to see her."
Laying on her death bed, my mother admitted to holding a beautiful baby girl, the same day my baby was born. Confirming what I had always felt. Grace infact, was a girl.
Mother looked up at me, her face pale with tears streaming down, and spoke softly the words I had longed to hear for the past twenty five years. "She was not a disgrace. " Mother's voice quivered. "Worst of all, I dangled homelessness over your head to force you to sign the adoption papers, then pretended not to see the brokeness in you. That, my dear daughter, is the disgrace.
Watching throughout the years how it's effected you has permanently haunted me. Iím so sorry. How will you ever forgive me?"
Trying to catch her breath, determined to get the truth out, for she knew her life was about to end, Mother continued. "Your baby had a heart murmur. The original adoptive parents didn't want a defective baby. This too, we kept from you, fearing you wouldn't go through with the adoption, had you known. Three days later a young couple came to the hospital, and wanted her the minute they saw her."
"I contacted the agency throughout the years. Your babies heart healed itself. She became a big sister, to a chronically ill, baby girl. The family knew that without her big sister, the baby would've never learned to walk. They were inseperatable, enduring lifes hardships together.
"They were a gift to one another."
With that said, Mother's face seemed to lose it's years of burden. Leaving behind the painful guilt of sin as she stepped out of this life in peace, into the next with hope.
And I, forgave her, and finally felt love for her once again.
It was then, I knew, adoption wasn't necessarily Gods will, but was for His purpose.
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