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I’m sure we all woke up this morning and thanked God for our very first breath, right? To be honest I didn’t. I woke up from a night of sickness and the only thing I dwelled upon all day was how bad I felt. I had the intention of waking and feeling great and just happy to be alive. Truth is, I am happy to be alive, but not so happy in general. I know that I am not the only one going through something. My body aches a lot and clinically, I guess I could just be depressed and this is the way my body has responded to the depression. As a child of God I just can’t settle with this. Something within me just won’t let me rest in that. I know that the Holy Spirit lives within me and He gives me power. I am striving for that power day after day and won’t stop until I wake up without all of this “stuff” that continues to surround me!
You see, I lost my mother a little over a year ago now. She truly meant a lot to me. I didn’t always let her know that. In fact I have wrestled with the guilt of knowing that I did love her and I did forgive her for the past mistakes and the past failures but just never expressed it. You see, I thought I had time. Guess what? I didn’t. She moved in with us in 2008 and we had her until 2009. She tried to commit suicide because she couldn’t take all of the stress of this life. God didn’t let her go then! He had a plan. She had had aortic valve replacement on December 7, 2007 and was battling with that and life in general. She thought taking her life was the way to go, but God kept her here. She moved in with my family and me. It was a good thing. I tried to help her by taking her to a therapist and finding her good doctors. I even felt as though I was getting to play mom instead of daughter. That left me quite frustrated at times, because I wanted her to be my mom. The one I missed out on for a long time in my life. She did, however, grow a lot in the Lord. We were almost always at church and she even took notes. She would get onto me when I was arguing with my hubby, even to the point where my hubby thought he was right! (Laughter!) Regardless, she was being my mom, I just didn't see her that way all the time.
Now, none of that matters. The past can’t be resolved because of a conversation I wish we would have had. Don’t take me wrong, we did talk a lot of the past through, but there was so much left unsaid. It doesn’t matter though. I am coming to terms with what the Word of God says when the Lord spoke through Paul and said that we shouldn’t look at the past, but at the future. If I live in the past, I can’t even be healed in the now. God is healing me and helping me through all of this, but do you want to know what the greatest nugget I have learned in all of this is? It’s to love those we have and live in the forgiveness offered by God for us in the now! Living in the past led me into a lot of guilt when she passed, but if I would have just lived in the now the many, many memories of love that could’ve been created would far outweigh the past. Cherish the ones you have while you have them. You don’t know if it’s the last second, minute, day or year!
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