The Truth About Cows And Moons
It started like every other day; hay, march, and jawin’ with the girls under the trees. But, when the scrawny three- legged cat and the dog with the hideous under bite rounded the hill, boomie box in paw; we knew this was gonna’ be a “once upon a time,” kind of day.
First thing every morning farmer Long-Nose marches us girls, single file, into the resort. He warms his hands, and shoves the shiny, silver massagers up onto our teats. Oooh baby! Love this resort. And the music; soft and soothing. Farmer Long-Nose says it’s Mr. Bates-Toven or some such name. Aaahhh - what a life. But, I digress…
Where was I? Oh, yes. The boomie box. The sounds emanating from that box. Shocking! The stuff this younger generation calls music. Uh- Uh- Uh! Now, in my day…
“ONE! - TWO! ONE - TWO!”
Please, somebody pick my jaw up off the ground! All of a sudden,
that under- bitten dog and the emaciated feline dropped to their knees, flipped on their backs and started doing abdominal crunches.
Now that dog, (besides needing braces) could stand to drop a few pounds, but not the cat. I wanted to say:
“Honey! Get yourself some kibble and a big ol’ glass of milk and chill out!” But, being the genteel heifer that I am, I held my cud.
I looked across the fence and saw the girls - my homies - doing squats! Now, I’m not opposed to exercise, (as long as someone else is doing it) but honey, that was pitiful.
“UP - DOWN! UP - DOWN!” I heard Flossie yelling.
Girl, she was getting’ in - to it! Even the sheep were doin’ it! So, I joined in. Next thing I know I’m squat thrusting right up against farmer Long - Noses’ wooden fence and honey, it felt good! I was shaking muscles ain’t never been shook before. I sho’ am glad the bulls were in the barn.
Old man rooster started crowin', and the ladies! The ladies, I tell you they laid eggs the likes of ain’t never been laid round here before. Father and Mrs. duck and their brood commenced to flyin’ and quackin’, and the horses! Honey- the horses ran like they was doin’ the derby in springtime. Good thing farmer Long-Nose set to plowin’ the north forty with old Ben this morning, else he’d a’ took to floppin’ on his knees and prayin’ to the Heaven‘s above.
This exercise foolishness went on way up into the night, and the longer it went on, the stronger we got. Before I knew it, the ladies got to bellowin’ louder and louder and squattin’ faster and faster.
About that time, the scrawny, three-legged cat picked up an old fiddle and started screechin’ out a tune. That flea- ridden, under- bitten pooch started laughing, and honey, I got pumped! My legs went to twitchin’ and I started jumpin’ and child, that’s all she wrote. Before I knew it, I was kickin’ and squattin’ and jumpin’ and twitchin’ and honey; all of a sudden, I was sailin’ higher and higher, over the barn, right through the air.
Well, I snatched a peek underneath me about the time I passed over the Milky Way, and just as I did; that big old man in the moon reached up with his creamy cheese arm and yanked. Hard! Right on the end of my tail. Oh, yes he did, and he winked when he did it!
Honey, I was happy when my hooves hit the pasture! That was it for me, child. Never again! No more exercise! That stuff will get you in t-r-o-u-b-l-e! Whew! Mercy, I get a tad warm just thinking’ bout it. Be still my bovine heart.
After a night like that it’s back to the old routine: hay, marchin’ and jawin’ underneath the trees. And to think. Just yesterday, I was in the resort, relaxing with the shiny milk massager and the music of Mr. Bates- Toven. And today - today the barn mice are pinin’ for my hoof prints. They say I’ll be famous; on a count of- I jumped over the moon an‘ all. They say ain’t no cow ever done that before.
What a difference a day makes, huh?
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