The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
01/13/11
i liked this story it is enchanting and some lovely description but perhaps i would have engaged with the character more quickly if you have used her name from the beginning rather than the more impersonal "she"
you reverted back again to "she" for the later part too so again the story seemed to step back slightly from the character.
the description of the time at the restaurant was great and if she could keep that up right through it could improve the peice... just my view.
01/15/11
You did a great job of moving the story along. I could feel the MC's various emotions.
A few suggestions: Try to avoid using verbs that end in ing when possible: For ex. If you eliminate, looking, competing, and lighting in one of your paragraphs, it would read as: "Angelique was having dinner on Halloween night in a restaurant known for their magnificent views.
She looked over the valley at the many lights that competed with stars that lit the sky."
And..."Stepping out..." best written as, "She stepped out."

Also, many times you can say the same thing with less words. For ex. 'She could not help seeing...' "She saw"


These simple techniques will improve your writing. Take a peek at Jan's Basic Writing Skills on the forum. She has loads of good tips to improve grammar and style.

Keep writing.