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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Once in a Blue Moon (01/06/11)

TITLE: Flabbergasted!
By Pam Ford Davis
01/11/11


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The long awaited day became reality. My stomach flipped somersaults; I'd skip breakfast. Who could eat at a time like this? I straightened the wrinkles on the chenille bedspread and walked across cool hardwood floors to my chiffonier to find a robe. Logic led me to tread softly; Mother and Daddy were still asleep. Daddy would rebuke me and add chores if the noise of my footsteps on their ceiling below woke them. How could I occupy the hours till' the household stirred? I chose a favorite diversion that would disturb no one.

“Dear Diary,

This is opening day of the NY State Fair! Lewis is picking me up at 9 sharp. We'll begin with a leisurely walk through exhibit buildings, then find our way to the bandstands for free concerts, wrapping up the morning with a delectable lunch of steamed clams, salt potatoes and roasted corn dripping in butter at the pavilion...”

The fountain pen stopped mid way through plans; my racing mind sprinted to carefree childhood days of tagging behind mother during state fair visits. I had perceived her hopes of winning, and fears of failure as she entered grandmother's molasses cookies recipe in baking contests. She gripped my hand so tightly at her side during judging, it hurt... This year would be different; I would hold hands with my escort, a dreamboat with curly blond hair and beckoning blue eyes. My girlfriends were unable to conceal their envy when he asked me, and I confess, I didn't discourage their wishful words of being in my shoes.

Penetrating amber rays of sunlight dispelled darkness around sides of drawn curtains. I astutely listened to throaty sounds of the rooster down the road at Uncle Faye's. Patience may be a virtue, but it took wings on days of jubilation. The pleasing smell of fresh brewed coffee and bacon and eggs drifted up the shadowy stairway; it would be safe to move about. I tried on several outfits. Too plain. Too hot. Too old fashioned. I decided on a crisp red and white checked gingham dress and pair of favorite white sandals to appear a proper lady, yet be comfortable. I tossed my white cardigan sweater across the foot of the bed and moved to the full length mirror, twirled around and tossed my hair back like a cover-girl.

Mother called me down to breakfast, and I obeyed. There would be fewer questions and lectures if I subdued excitement. I drank the tart orange juice she offered, nibbled buttered toast and stared at the sunny - side -up egg on my platter. The cemetrical yoke confirmed my dreams. Things were beginning to look up for me!

Punctuality and good manners led to Lewis' precise 8:55 knock at my front door. He spoke politely to my parents, walked me to his coupe, opened my door and waited for me to enter and nestle into the seat. He slid in behind the wheel and gave a wide smile in my direction before starting the ignition. Could he read my thoughts; did he know how happy he had made me?

The day was even more grand than I had imagined. I took mental notes of momentous experiences to jot down in my diary, and felt a twinge of remorse as the sun began to descend over towering buildings. We moved to the Midway entrance and both agreed on a Ferris wheel ride for an opportunity of a panorama view of the fairgrounds.

He stepped forward to the ticket window, and I glanced at the salesgirl. I could not believe my own eyes; the perfect stranger could have been my identical twin! He turned around towards me in disbelief, and then back to her. Her eyes met mine and we roared in laughter. Nobody would believe this!


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This article has been read 474 times
Member Comments
Member Date
Lisa Harris01/13/11
Your descriptions were wonderful...drew me in and I could picture it beautifully in my mind. I also thought the overall story was very well written. I didn't quite get the ending...but, that was probably just me :)...Thank you for sharing!
Nanci Rubin01/13/11
Very nice descriptions here...and this story moved along very well, however, I expect the ending is something known to you, but not shared with your readers. Well structured and moves along well...did you deliberately leave the ending for your audience to conclude?? I will say that she is your twin sister. Nice job.
Lisa Fowler01/14/11
Your descriptions moved the story along extremely well and kept me wondering... I'm afraid I must echo what has been said about the ending. I didn't quite "get it." However, your story was very well written.
Verna Mull01/15/11
I will have to be a bit of an echo here. The ending left me a little puzzled, but it was a cute story.
Nancy Bucca 01/15/11
I was amazed at all the word pictures in this story. And I have to admit that the ending did surprise me. I wondered for a moment if he had accidentally asked out the "wrong" girl. A little "cliff hanger" tension at that point could have enhanced the comic relief at the end. But all in all, it's very well written. Good job!
Lillian Rhoades 01/15/11
A real fun story. Although there were loads of descriptive writing, I would caution against the overuse of descriptive adjectives.

For ex. "Penetrating, amber rays of sunlight dispelled darkness around sides of drawn curtains.

If I were the MC, too keep my "dreamboat," I'd stay far away from that salesgirl!
Lillian Rhoades 01/15/11
"to keep...."